Matthew took a deep breath. What the bloody hell was wrong with him? Fighting with Luke, yelling at a butler. He wasn’t normally so hot-headed and he couldn’t understand the sudden change of temperament. “Of course, my apologies.” Taking the note from the man, he said, “While you’re here, may I request dinner service?”
“Please do,” the man replied.
Matthew rattled off a list of dishes he wanted brought to the room, then dismissed the man.
Ripping open the wax seal, his eyes scanned the contents of the letter. A detective he’d left at the docks had spotted a former sailor from the Saint Madeleine at The Kicking Horse. The man was staying at the establishment.
With a sigh, he crossed the room to Ella’s closed door and gave a soft knock. “Ella,” he called.
He heard her muffled answer, “Please, go away.”
“I shan’t,” he returned. “I want to discuss this.” He got no response and raking his fingers through his hair he determined he would use finesse rather than force for this interaction. “You are beautiful and tender and I found myself unable to resist you. But if you will come out, I swear to keep my hands to myself.”
He heard her shuffle toward the door, her steps growing louder and then the doorknob rattled before it opened. A quick look at her puffy eyes and red nose showed she’d been crying. “Ella. Please don’t be upset.” His own voice was rougher than he’d intended. “The fault was mine.”
Her eyes bulged at his admittance. Then she cleared her throat. He found himself wanting to pull her back into his arms.
“I appreciate your chivalry, but I am to blame,” she said. “I shouldn’t have kissed you. I wish to be your friend and I don’t want to ruin that by…”
She didn’t want to kiss him? Try as he might, he failed to understand. Had she not enjoyed it? “You didn’t like kissing me?”
She blinked several times. “It was divine. I didn’t know it would be like that.”
“You’ve never experienced it before?” His voice sounded slightly strangled. She was wreaking havoc on both his body and mind. How could she be that innocent and feel that tempting? Was this a ploy?
She shook her head that she had not. “That isn’t important. What is though, is that I don’t want to do anything that might ruin a future friendship with you, Matthew.” She grasped his hand, her eyes soft.
He twined his fingers in hers. Either she was more adept at deception even than Sarah, or she was sincere. Every glance, every gesture spoke of truth. Blast her and her beauty and her kindness. It was muddling his mind. “That is very considerate of you but—”
She waved her hand. “Let’s not discuss it.”
He raised an eyebrow. “What shall we discuss?”
Stepping back into the room, she walked over to the settee. “What sort of position do you think Tricia might have for me? It’s exciting to think that I might be able to make my own way.” Despite the excitement he aroused in her, it was of vital importance that she not be ruled by that emotion. Emotion only clouded judgment.
Bloody hell, this topic was even more difficult than the last. When he thought of her future, he thought of the man who might fill it. A burning sensation flared inside his chest. He struggled to tamp down the instant rush of jealousy. “Are you equally excited about Tricia’s dinner?” he asked with fake nonchalance.
She waved her hand, as though dismissing the thought. “I think I will write her and cancel. I don’t want to marry a man other than—” She stopped then, glancing at him her face tightened as though she were in pain. “I don’t want to marry a man for the sole reason of protection. I spent too much of my life simply being tolerated.”
His shoulders slumped with relief though he did wonder what had she been about to say. He thought to ask but changed his mind. Rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands he knew his jealousy was selfish. He looked at her, dread filling him at what he was about to say. But it wasn’t fair for him to be selfish, especially if they would really attempt to be friends. “No harm can come from attending. It’s best to keep all your options open for now.” He hated the way his words sounded. He wanted to instead tell her that he would care for her but it simply wasn’t appropriate, especially after he’d just kissed her. Bloody hell, he was mucking this all up.
She nodded. “I suppose that’s true.” She scooted a little closer, her voice dropping. “Do you think there might be a position at an orphanage? I should like to care for the babies, especially if I am not to have my own.”
Matthew swallowed the lump in his throat. A vision of her holding a child near took his breath away. Would any part of this conversation get easier? “You’d like a baby of your own?”
Her eyes grew wistful as she stared into the flames. “It would be enough to care for a lost child.”
She wasn’t pretending. This was no ploy. She was planning a future for herself that would include taking care of orphans while eking out a measly existence. And she was grateful to him for helping her accomplish that. He closed his eyes. Didn’t she know how much more could be hers? Some man could give her the entire world. Hell, he could give her—he stopped running his hands through his hair. He couldn’t know she wouldn’t accept his offer just to secure her own future. It was the same arrangement Sarah wanted to make, all the while his heart had been involved. He couldn’t make the same mistake twice.
Matthew had been silent for so long, it was a relief to Ella when the knock came at the door. Something she’d said or done had upset him to make him grow so quiet. She could feel his tension even when he said nothing. Though he had hardly moved, every line of his body was rigid, taught with palpable tension. Like a horse, just before it ran.
She sighed, not loudly but to herself, it didn’t matter. Soon she’d begin on own journey and, with any luck, he’d be on the path to finding his sister. The ship Camille had left on would be back in port in just a few days and, with any luck, would yield answers.
Hopefully they’d remain friends, but her feelings for him were muddling that path. And she did have feelings for him. If she’d sensed it in the carriage, she knew it for certain after their kiss. It wasn’t just gratitude that made her feel loyal to Matthew, it was other emotions that swirled in her heart. There was a tenderness and attraction. She’d never experienced it before, but she was tempted to call it love.
Trays of food were brought in and set upon the table. Delights she hadn’t seen in ages were revealed making her mouth water. Flaky meat pasties, stews that smelled heavenly and made her mouth water. Tonight, she would stuff herself. Who knew when she might eat like this again?
Once the staff had left, they sat down and began the meal. After several minutes, Matthew cleared his throat. “I won’t attend Tricia’s dinner with you.”