Bower turns to scan a florist’s window.
No, it’s no coincidence.
Fuck you, Philip.
I punch the edge of the steering wheel and start the ignition, pulling out into traffic before she can see me. The system in my car announces an incoming text message, and I know it’s from her even before I instruct it to read it out loud.
Where are you? I’m here... X
My head drops and I grimace, frustration, anger, guilt making me clench the steering wheel tighter. I try to ease the tension in my shoulders, tell myself I’ll be there for her soon. But I hate it that I’ve just abandoned her when I know she needs me.
I pull over as soon as I’m out of sight, much to the displeasure of the people in the car behind me, and they honk, but I’m already taking my phone out, my brain racing. Where’s safe? Where can I meet her and not have Bower on her tail?
I grip the back of my neck as I think. Blacks—it has to be. Philip already knows she goes there. So long as I stay out of sight and get her to come to me we’ll be fine.
I fire off a reply.
Change of plan. Something came up. Meet me at Blacks?
I can’t breathe as I wait for her response. What if she tells me to go to hell? But why would she? To her, I’ve just been held up. I haven’t run away because her brother has a second PI on her tail.
Her response is swift.
Okay. XX
The XX pulses, stabbing up at me from the screen. Projecting guilt and affection in one.
Time is running out. It won’t take long for Bower to know what I know, even with me being careful. We tap into the same resources; it only takes one misplaced word, a flippant comment, and he’ll figure things out.
Worse still, it only takes her appearing at my home when I don’t expect it—just like she did that Friday night—with Bower on her tail and our relationship will be outed.
I toss the phone onto the passenger seat and pull back into the traffic. I just need to keep things under my control a little while longer and then I can worry about what comes next.
But how, with Bower so close?
Get out of London. Take her away.
It’s possible. I have the resources to sneak her out and I have the perfect place too. I’m long-overdue a visit there myself.
But would she come?
* * *
I don’t like how disappointed I feel at Ash’s change of plan.
I know it’s not his fault that I’ve become dependent on him to keep reality at bay. But the second I get his text asking to meet at Blacks instead, the tears escape and I’m drawing attention. The kind I don’t need—the kind I’m usually good at keeping at bay.
I pull my coat up around my ears and pick up my pace, heading for the Underground, where I can blend into the background easily enough.
I’ll be with him soon; I can lose myself in him and he’ll make everything feel okay again.
But for how long?
You can’t keep seeking distraction; you have to face reality sooner or later. Granny’s dying and you can’t change it.
I close my eyes over the pang of pain and realise that’s not all I’m running from.
It’s my feelings for him too. The risk that he won’t feel the same way, that I won’t be able to convince him to give us a shot. My feet stall and my heart pulses as my stomach turns over. What if I have to let him go?