Her question was as quiet as his glass touching down on the polished surface and as he leaned back he turned into her, close enough that their knees brushed. He didn’t miss her sudden intake of breath as the contact zipped through her, just as it did him.
‘I’m saying that I want you, Sophia.’
‘Jack...’ another whisper, accompanied by the tiny shake of her head ‘...we can’t. You even said it just now.’
‘I said I didn’t have time or, rather, the place in my life for a relationship,’ he expanded. ‘And the truth is I could never be the man for you, Sophia. You deserve to be loved.’ His eyes lingered over her face, taking in all that he had come to...come to what? Come to feel something for? To desire? No. It wasn’t all desire, but it couldn’t be what she would want it to be, what she would need. ‘You deserve to be put on a pedestal and adored by a man worthy of you and, as much as I would like to be that man, I know I’m not.’
‘How can you know that?’
‘Because I’ve been married, I’ve been loved and...’ He shook his head, the sadness overwhelming. How could he tell her that he hadn’t been able to love Elena back in the way that she deserved? Lily’s mother, of all people. How could he tell Sophia the cold-hearted truth of how he’d failed her?
‘I know I could never take Elena’s place,’ she said and he could see his own sadness reflected back at him. ‘I wouldn’t want to.’
‘You don’t understand, Sophia.’
‘What don’t I understand?’
‘I never loved Elena.’ His chest tightened, his heart crushed within it, and he saw the second his words hit home, the sudden change to her pallor, the tremble to her lips. ‘Not in that way.’
‘Of course you did. You looked out for her, you worked hard to make a life for you both, you made Lily, you married her...’ She floundered, refusing to accept it.
‘I cared for her deeply and I wanted to protect her. I wanted to save her from the life we’d found ourselves in. But I wasn’t in love with her. I couldn’t return her love in the same all-consuming way she loved me. I was devastated when she died—devastated that she’d been taken so young, that she would never see our daughter grow up, that she had died miserable and alone because of me.’
The guilt clawed at him now, the chill pushing out the illicit heat of seconds before.
‘I’m sure that’s not true.’
‘It is.’ He hardened his voice and his stance now. ‘I’m not a good man, Sophia. I’m not a man you can fall in love with, I’m not a man you should invest your time in. I love that you have brought so much joy to Lily, that she’s had this time with you and your friends. But you and I, we can never have a future.’
‘You are a good man, Jack,’ she whispered. ‘I know we can’t have a future; I understand that. I’d be a fool to think otherwise. But all these things you’re saying to me, they’re not true. I can’t believe them—I won’t.’
‘Elena did. She believed them through and through, and she would know. She knew me for fourteen years and the last words I
had from her were thrown at my answerphone. If I hadn’t deleted them I could play them for you now, then maybe you’d believe me.’
She shook her head, the tears returning to her eyes and he knew they were born of sympathy, of pity, and he deserved neither.
‘She called me a cold, heartless bastard, and said that if I loved my work so much I could forget coming home, that night or any other for that matter.’
She flung her hand to her lips, but her gasp beneath her fingers was still audible, the shake of her head more severe. ‘You can’t believe that...you can’t.’
‘Oh, I believe it all right. If not for the accident, if she hadn’t died, she would have left eventually.’ He threw back more wine and felt the bitterness, the sadness crawling through him. ‘Because she was right. I didn’t deserve her. I didn’t deserve either of them, and then fate played its hand...’ He shook his head. ‘Elena never deserved that.’
His body shook, his lungs struggling to take in air. He hadn’t cried. Not even when the news had been delivered. Not even that first night back in the empty house when he’d cleared away the untouched dinner. Not even at the funeral. It had all been confirmation that Elena was right. He had no heart and he was incapable of love, bar that which he felt for his daughter.
He was so lost in the rising grief he didn’t sense Sophia move, not until her arms were wrapped around him offering the comfort he had so willingly offered her when she’d spoken of her sister. But she deserved it. He didn’t.
He pushed himself up off the sofa and out of her hold. He raked his hand over his face and clenched his jaw as he fought back the wave of tears. Tears!
‘I don’t deserve your comfort or your sympathy, Sophia,’ he bit out. ‘She was right. I didn’t love her, but I do love Lily and I will do right by my daughter. I will always do right by her. Outside of that...’ he looked down at her, his eyes pleading with her to see the truth ‘... I can’t.’
She stood up slowly, her eyes not leaving his. ‘I’m not asking you to give me anything, Jack. No promises, nothing.’
He could believe her as he looked into her eyes and saw her sincerity for what it was. She reached up her hands and cupped his jaw, soft and soothing.
‘Truth is, Jack, I’ve never wanted a man, never wanted to kiss a man, not like I do you.’
‘And you shouldn’t.’