In spite of everything he did.
I could put it down to betrayal, to putting
my trust in a friend, to making myself—my entire body—vulnerable to him, only to have him renege on our deal.
But this goes deeper, deep enough that I’ve not looked at another guy since, let alone had sex.
‘Seriously, Cait, you need to explain because you’ve not been yourself for months. No, scrap that, you’ve been yourself dialled up to one thousand and you’ve got Ash and me fretting.’ She lowers her voice to make sure we can’t be overheard by Bates. ‘And for the record, Ash never frets, not about you and certainly not about Jackson, yet low and behold he’s worrying about the pair of you.’
‘Look, I’ll tell you, but you have to agree not to be pissed.’
‘At who? You?’
‘Yes, definitely me.’ I lower my voice. ‘Hell, you can be pissed at Jackson as much as you want. He deserves it.’
She eyes me and I’d love to say she’s sympathetic, concerned, even. Instead she looks worried and I have the distinct impression it’s not me she’s worrying about.
‘Coco?’ I raise my brow at her. ‘Do I need to remind you how long we’ve known each other? Before this...’ I wave a hand around Blacks ‘...before Jackson, or Ash, or any of this.’
‘No, of course not, but...’ She can’t even finish her sentence.
‘Jackson is a good guy, a nice guy, one of the ones you think you can trust...’ I list.
‘Yes.’
I scoff, but the truth is that her affirmation chimes with everything I once thought of him too and only makes the question rage louder in my brain: why?
Why leave after such a great night? Why avoid me? Why—just why?
‘Here we go, ladies.’
I turn to see Bates place two drinks down on the bar. So quick? I raise a brow at the two jars with handles, the orange drink set off by red and white candy cane straws, a slice of orange and a star anise floating around with the ice.
‘You had this made up already, didn’t you?’
‘I may have had some jars at the ready. It is Christmas after all.’
‘Ah, you’re a good man.’ It absolutely is...and, while I’m intent on giving Jackson a taste of his own medicine, I’m going to enjoy reminding the Grinch of that fact.
‘Thank you, Bates.’ I take a sip and lift my brows, suitably impressed. The mix of rum, tonic, star anise and ‘...marmalade, right?’
‘Yup, and mandarin juice to go with the slice.’
‘It’s delicious.’
Coco takes a sip and murmurs her agreement. ‘It’s perfect.’
He smiles and walks away to serve another client who’s waiting. Max, I think, if my memory serves. I give him a wink, which he returns, and I sense Jackson frown as he catches the little interchange.
Not ignoring me any more, are you?
I smile around my straw. At least that part of my plan is coming together. Not so much the heartbreak part or the fact that he takes a seat at the far side of the bar, tucked away but very much still in the room...
What is he doing?
I stop the frown that starts to form. I expected him to run. To go back to his office, or his place upstairs, knowing that I’m here dressed like this and having fun. The kind of fun that Blacks is famous for in our circles, only I’m not because, let’s face it, I’ve not wanted anyone in that way since Mr Grinch himself.
And having him settle in for the entire show wasn’t part of my plan. But as he opens the lid of a laptop I haven’t spied, I realise he’s making himself comfy.