I found out she was slowly going blind from diabetic retinopathy and worked in a small school near her home for blind children. Kelly was very self-sufficient and didn’t whine for help. I admired her strength.
What started out as a living hell soon took on a new meaning. I was living and helping someone—for real. I got a job at a warehouse a few blocks from the apartment where we lived. They didn’t ask for any identification because it was all under the table work. I loaded crates and boxes onto trucks and they paid me day by day.
I didn’t understand the concept of money and its importance. I gave what I made to Kelly because I was basically renting a room from her and to be honest, I was indebted to her.
Each night I spent time listening to her and becoming closer and closer to someone who needed more than a simple fuck with no ties. Sex wasn’t part of our friendship. We’d stay up late listening to music or watching television. Many nights we fell asleep curled up together on the couch. I really enjoyed the feel of her sleeping on me and the simple scent of her hair filled my breath. I’d stroke the long strands between my fingers and just let her sleep. A few times she started snoring and I didn’t have the heart to wake her.
I’d carry her to her bed and lay her on top of the covers. My instinct was to crawl next to her and seduce her into submission. But I never took advantage of Kelly. Why should I?
It wasn’t that I didn’t want her in that way. She was an attractive young woman. Long silky hair, olive-toned skin and a nice, shapely body that begged for attention. A man with my appetites still had needs and they were still like no normal man.
I figured this was another test. I discovered masturbation and its appeal for someone not having sex. I must have soiled miles of toilet tissue in that time.
Becoming friends with a woman gave me a new perspective on relationships. It wasn’t always the sex. Sex was important but not everything. She taught me that. In fact, Kelly taught me about everything. It tore me apart to not be able to tell her who and what I really was. The truth was, I became afraid this growing feeling within me would stop.
We went out to dinner every couple of weeks. Her vision was getting worse but she wouldn’t let that bring her down. She’d tell me what she wanted and we always had a good time. Her disability never caused us to change the way we acted or what we did.
After a few months, I felt things start to change and our friendship was going to a new level. It was time to tell her the truth.
Late one night I sat beside her on the couch. As usual she propped her feet on my lap so that I could rub them for her—which always made me laugh. “Kelly, I need to tell you something.”
“All serious now, I see.” She smiled and looked in my direction.
“It’s about my past and who I am.” It was harder than I imagined it would be. I couldn’t tell her I was a spirit and had made love to over a thousand women. That my existence was forged from lust and passion. I had to try to be realistic but honest.
“I’m not who I appear. There are things in my past that you should know.”
She interrupted me. “Are you gay?”
“Uh, no way.”
“Are you married?” Her questions were direct.
“No, I’m not married.”
“Are you hiding out from the law?”
“No, I’m just…”
She sat up and took my face in her hands. “The past is behind us, Pilan. Whatever happened, happened. Right now is what’s important. All this could be gone tomorrow. Live for right now.”
She pulled my face to hers and brushed her cheek against mine. There was such warmth in Kelly. A true heart and a sincerity that’s rare amongst people.
Nothing needed to be said anymore because at that moment I understood. This was the basic essence of love. Boundless, unquestioned trust in another. My previous existence vanished. Everything that happened from that moment on was what was important.
We came home one night and Kelly stood next to me at the door as I unlocked it. We’d been to a party. It had been fun and everything seemed to be fine. But there was something wrong. I could tell by her quiet demeanor.
“Is everything okay, Kelly?”
“I guess.” The subtle tone of her voice said otherwise.
“Tell me. What’s wrong?”
“Do you find me attractive? You have never tried to, well…you know. Is it because I-I’m losing my sight?”
I was at a loss. I couldn’t tell her the complete truth. I had led her to believe that I was just a man looking for a new life. “I’m afraid,” I said. “Afraid that I will get too close to you. I don’t want to hurt you.”