“There’s no more for me,” she said. “I can’t seem to do anything right. Duane died and now you left me. I can’t get anything right. I’m just going to die. That’s it. Just stay here in this house and die.” Her crying turned to a sad grieving. She fell into my arms and I began to rock her back and forth.
“There’s much more to life,” I said. “Your career. What about school? You seemed so excited about that.”
“I’ll just fuck it up.”
“You won’t know until you try.”
She was quiet. I wiped her tears with a piece of the bed sheet. “Coreen, you’re a beautiful woman. You can have and be anything.”
“But not you,” she said.
“Not me.”
We sat there on the couch talking like that until the last bit of sun in the sky set and the evening turned to night. Every time I seemed to lift her spirits, she’d turn another emotional corner and start crying again and ask why we couldn’t be together. I wanted so badly to look at the time. I knew Kerry had to be looking for me. But I was dealing with life and death. I didn’t want to risk one for the other. And I didn’t know what else to do. Every time I asked Coreen if there was someone I could call, she’d get mad and start crying again.
I finally got her to agree to take a shower and get some clothes on. I thought this, along with some soup, would at least make her feel good enough to get back into bed. And then I could talk to her reasonably and get her to a hospital or something. But when she stood up, it was clear she wouldn’t make it in the shower alone. The girl was weak.
I carried her into the bathroom and stood there in the shower with her, fully dressed, washing her body with my hands as she cried. It was one of the most sobering moments in my life. I realized at that moment that what I had done in my selfishness was ruin a piece of someone else’s life. I didn’t know if most of what Coreen was going through was about me, but I’d gotten her to that place somehow. Damien was right that the affair would ruin my marriage, but he’d forgotten to mention what it would do to the other woman.
When I got Coreen into the bed, I took off my shirt and pants and went into the kitchen to make her some soup. I looked at my cell phone. It was already 12 AM.
I carried the soup into the room and fed Coreen myself. She seemed to brighten in the face immediately as that heat hit her.
“You’re a good man,” she said. I was sitting beside her on the bed in my boxers and a T-shirt.
“Thank you,” I said, handing her the bowl. As she ate, I cleaned up the pills from the floor and stashed them in my jacket pocket, so I could take them with me when I left. I brought up the topic of counseling, saying I would find someone, and she finally sounded as if she was willing to give it a try. She admitted that she did actually miss Duane and that she’d never dealt with his death. She’d gone to all of the memorial services and accepted the calls and concerns from everyone, but in all that time, she felt like she just had to be strong. She had to put her best foot forward because with all the attention, she felt like all eyes were on her. When she was finally ready to talk to someone, she turned around and realized that there was no one there. Just her and the house she’d bought with the money from Duane’s death.
“I know you’re going to leave,” she said. “But I just want you to hold me a little while before you go, until I fall asleep.”
“Coreen—” I tried, but she cut me off.
“I just need someone to hold me,” she said. “Just for right now. I promise it’s nothing.”
It had to have been at least 2 AM by then, but her request was so simple. So easy. I could see that she could get better, and she’d already opened up and agreed to get help. I couldn’t turn her down. I climbed into the bed and rocked Coreen to sleep. It was peaceful and quiet. And I knew in my heart that while my part in her life was over, she was beginning something else. Soon, I drifted off to sleep as well, but I was awakened by a knock at the door. Kerry.
PART THREE
Death
“For I [Paul] am now ready to be offered,
and the time of my departure is at hand.”
—Paul,
2 Timothy 4:6
E-MAIL TRANSMISSION
TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
DATE: 11/27/07
TIME: 8:09 AM
Coco! Where are you? I’ve been calling you all weekend and when I came in this morning I noticed that your stuff was cleared out of your desk. Lori said you resigned last week. Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving? I hope everything is OK. Just give me a call when you can and know that I’m here for you.