The East End was rife not only with “improper people” but with disease, which spread quickly because of the deplorable living conditions. What’s more, it was foolish to drag Father to an area known for its opium dens.
Every male in my life felt it necessary to put chains on me, and I despised it. Except for Thomas, I realized. He taunted me into acting and thinking for myself. Before I could race up to my room, Father called out to me. “A word please, Audrey Rose.”
I closed my eyes briefly before turning around. I didn’t want to be scolded or hear about how fragile life was or how foolish it was to place oneself in reckless situations, but saw no way out of it. When Father had something to say, one listened, and that was that. I drifted away from the stairway and the freedom it provided, heading directly toward the den of lecturing.
Aunt Amelia and Liza were out shopping for fabrics to take back to the country with them. Their visit was nearly over, and they’d be leaving first thing in the morning. I was grateful they weren’t here to witness my scolding. Aunt Amelia would say the last couple of weeks had done nothing to save either my soul or reputation. She might even suggest a little country air was exactly what I needed.
Leaning against the wall in the corridor, Nathaniel still wouldn’t meet my glare, enraging me all the more. What a slithering wimp! Father motioned for me to step into the drawing room and have a seat.
With no other choice, I did.
I settled into a chair, as far away from him as possible, while waiting for my guilty verdict to be delivered and my punishment to be swiftly bestowed.
Father was taking his time, however. Calling for a tray of tea and biscuits, sorting through mail near the fireplace. If he was trying to ratchet up my anxiety, it was working. My heart thudded wildly against my ribs, begging to be set free with each new letter he tore into. The only sounds in the room came from the crackling fire and rustling of paper on paper. I sincerely doubted my sloshing blood could be heard, but it was a sinister symphony in my own ears nonetheless.
I watched the careful way he held the letter opener, the sharp blade piercing the envelopes, before he ripped the letters free with one savage swipe after another. Whenever I scared him, he turned into some foreign person. One who was both frightening and frightened at once.
Folding my hands together in my lap, I waited as patiently as I could for him to calm himself enough to speak with me. My dark skirts were an abyss I’d like to sink into. He sealed an envelope, then handed it off to a servant before finally crossing the room.
“I understand you’ve been sneaking out of the house for some time now. Studying forensic sciences with your uncle, is that right?”
Without asking, he poured a cup of tea, then offered it to me. I shook my head, too nervous to even dream of eating or drinking when he was so calm and composed. He paused, waiting for an excuse, but I couldn’t bring myself to respond. Once an animal’s fate had been decided, there was no undoing the crimson necklace they’d wear. It mattered not what I said in my defense, he knew it as plainly as I did.
He sat down, crossing one foot over his knee.
“What, pray tell, did you expect me to do upon finding out? Be pleased? Be… supportive of you potentially throwing your life away?” A flicker of rage showed in his chiseled features. He clenched his jaw, then exhaled slowly. “I cannot allow you to tarnish your reputation by indulging your eccentricities and the debauchery you’re involved with. Pleasant people who abide by polite society do not find themselves in your uncle’s laboratory. Were your mother still alive, it would kill her to see you involved in such… matters.”
I picked at the tiny buttons on the side of my gloves, fighting tears with all my might. I was angry with Father for his words, but most of all hated that he might be correct. Perhaps Mother would despise the work I did. From childhood, she was instructed to stay away from dreadful things owing to her weakened heart. My unbecoming work might very well have broken it had the fever not done so first. But what of her insistence that I could be both strong and beautiful? Surely Father had to be wrong.
Nathaniel moved from the doorway to stand inside the room. I hadn’t noticed him still lingering there but from the stricken expression on his face knew he’d heard every word. I wanted to muster up a decent scowl, but couldn’t find the strength.
My heart ached too much.
“From this point forward you shall live according to society’s rules,” Father continued, satisfied with my obeisance. “You’ll smile and be charming to every suitor I deem acceptable to court you. There’ll be no more talk of science or of your degenerate uncle.” He moved out of the chair and stood before me so swiftly, I couldn’t prevent myself from recoiling. “Should I discover your disobedience once more, you shall be turned out on the streets. I’ll not tolerate you sniffing around this disturbing case any longer. Have I made myself perfectly clear?”
I drew my brows together. I could not comprehend what had just happened. Father had been mad before, angry enough to keep me indoors for weeks on end, but he’d never threatened to toss me into the streets.
It went against the very purpose he had for keeping me close all my life. Why bind me to our home, only to throw me from it?
I blinked tears back and kept my attention locked onto the swirling design on the rug, then slowly nodded. I didn’t trust my voice. I refused to sound weak on top of looking the part so well, and knew my voice would crack under the weight of emotion.
Father must have been pleased, because his shadow lifted from before me, then disappeared from the room altogether. I listened as his heavy footsteps faded down the hall. When his study door slammed shut, I allowed myself to exhale.
A single tear snaked down my cheek and I angrily swiped it away. I’d held it together for this long, I would not break in front of Nathaniel. I would not.
Instead of rushing to my side as I expected, Nathaniel stayed planted to his post near the door, craning his neck into the hall. It was hard to tell if he was looking to escape or convincing himself to stay.
“What did Father promise you for your betrayal?” His back stiffened, but he didn’t turn around. I stood, moving closer. “Must have been extraordinary. Something you couldn’t turn down. A new suit? An expensive horse?”
He shook his head, hands twitching at his sides. Any second and he’d grab the comfort of his comb. Stress never looked good on him. I stalked closer, my tone antagonizing. I wanted him to feel my hurt.
“A large estate, then?”
The silver comb flashed in the flickering firelight as my brother ran it through his hair. I went to walk by when he whispered, “Wait.”
His tone gave me pause, my silk shoes straddling the threshold. He sounded no louder than a church mouse squeaking inside a grand cathedral.
Moving back into the room, I waited. I’d allow him the courtesy of saying his piece, then be on my way. I plopped onto the chair, exhausted from the day’s events, while Nathaniel checked the hallway before closing the door.