And just like that, my father made me feel like complete shit.
“This is what I see,” he said as he poured himself another drink. “When Sapphire is around, you hit the peaks of your success. You’re happy. You’re relaxed, carefree. You even smile…once in a while. And now that she’s gone, you haven’t produced new pieces, you’ve stopped shaving, and you look like a man who’s lost everything. I don’t need to hear you say anything to know you’re absolutely, undeniably miserable.”
I grabbed my glass and nursed my wounds with a long drink of the aged scotch. I welcomed the burn down my throat and into my belly. That fire was the only warmth I had since Sapphire left.
“I didn’t want to settle down and get married either, Conway. I fantasized about being a lifelong bachelor. Even after I met your mother, I didn’t want things to change. I preferred being with different women because it didn’t make me accountable for my actions. I could use them, hurt them, and dump them—without a hint of remorse.”
My father had never told me such details of his life. I assumed he’d been promiscuous and reckless when he was young, based on the pieces I’d put together—along with Uncle Cane’s stories.
“I never wanted to be a husband. I never wanted to be a father. But when your mother walked into my life, I had no other choice. I didn’t want her to be with anyone else, and I didn’t want to be with anyone else. There was no other way of life that would give me both. So I married her. I settled down. I sacrificed my previous life to have a new one with her. In the beginning, I dreaded it. But then I realized that simplicity was beautiful. And now…I wish I’d met her sooner.”
I stared at my drink.
“Change is scary. But necessary.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I asked. “It’s over. She’s living in New York now. I’m here. It’s done.”
“You still have time to fix this, Conway.”
I refilled my glass.
“You love this woman. Don’t let her end up with someone else. We only get one great woman our entire lives. If you think you have a chance of finding someone who makes you feel like this, it’s not going to happen.”
“What about there being other fish in the sea?” I countered.
“There are other fish in the sea,” he said. “There will always be other fish in the sea. But they won’t be bigger, brighter, or rarer. You’d rather bring home a different woman you won’t remember every single night than have the best sex of your life with the same woman?”
Now we’d just stepped into new territory. “We aren’t talking about my personal life. It’s none of your business.”
“It is my business when you’re fucking it up. Trust me, I don’t want to talk about this any more than you do. But I can’t let my son make the biggest mistake of his life.”
“You don’t know her…”
“I know her enough,” he said quietly. “I know she makes you better. And that’s all I need to know. She could be a prostitute, and that wouldn’t make a difference to me. The only thing I care about is that you have someone to love you when your mother and I are gone.”
“Stop saying that,” I snapped. “I don’t want to think about that right now…”
“It’s going to happen, son. It could happen today, tomorrow, or in twenty years. You need to have your own family.”
“I have Vanessa. I have—”
“It’s not the same thing. A wife is different. If you’d never found anyone you loved, that would be different. But you have met someone…so don’t let her go. Don’t push her away just because you’re afraid to commit. You’re worried how it’ll affect your work?” he asked incredulously. “Take a look at how her absence is affecting you now. You haven’t worked in over a month.”
“Are you keeping tabs on me now?”
“Always.” He gripped his glass without taking a drink. “I always have tabs on you. Not because I’m spying—but because I care.”
“No, that’s the definition of spying.”
“Shut up, Con. That’s not what this conversation is about.”
I couldn’t tell him to shut up, but he could tell me to shut up all he wanted. Annoying.
“Make this right, Conway. Before someone else wins her over.”
I didn’t want to picture her with someone else. Just knowing someone was photographing her in nothing but her lingerie pissed me off. I missed having her around the house, a secret I got to cherish alone. “There’s something you should know…and it’s going to make you hate me a little bit.”
My father set down his glass, and his eyes narrowed. “There’s nothing you could say to make me hate you.”
“Think again.”
“No,” he said firmly. “You could tell me you murdered someone, and I would still be sitting right here. That’s unconditional love, that’s what families do. I’m your father, and I will love you no matter what. So tell me.”