“Oh, that’s over at Wren and Shepherd’s place now, since Wren hosts our monthly poker games. And you can stop looking in all the closets. I don’t have a swan float or a ridiculous amount of hula hoops. That was just dumb luck. Although I did work the hula hoop carnival game at the Summersweet Festival every summer.”
“Swindler!”
“No. It’s not happening.”
“Come on, where’s your sense of adventure?”
“My sense of adventure is just fine. I believe I was quite adventurous suffering through eighteen boring holes of golf with you guys today without murdering anyone. I’m not supposed to be tagging along on these OTAs with you.”
“Did you forget how much they all bitched and whined when you tried to get out of it? Sorry, but you’re stuck with my teammates now. Back to my original suggestion….”
“For the last time, we are not having sex in the 8th hole maintenance shed.”
“But Palmer gave me the key! Come on, we can’t let it go to waste.”
“We are not having sex in the same place Birdie and Palmer defiled.”
“That was like a year ago.”
“And I guarantee you it still smells like golf cum.”
“What the fuck does golf cum smell like?”
“Boredom and desperation.”
“…and those are all my trophies and stuff from high school—Oh Christ, that’s so good. Oh fuck.”
“Very impressive.”
“Are you talking about all the awards in my childhood bedroom, or my dick that you keep popping out of your mouth so you can chitchat?”
“A little of both. Please resume the tour we’re supposed to be on while your parents are cleaning up from dinner.”
“Oooh fuuuck… Jesus, Emily… I…. That’s the bed, that’s the dresser, and that’s—Oooh God… your mouth should be illegal.”
“I think your mom really likes me.”
“Can we maybe not talk about my mom right now when I—Fuuucking hell, woman.”
“Such language in front of a poster of… James Van Der Beek.”
“It’s the Varsity Blues movie poster and you know it! I don’t have a thing for James—Jesus! Holy shit… oooh… fucking… hell!”
“You’re being a little loud. You might want to keep it down.”
“You think I don’t know that? I never should have dared you—Christ, that’s so good. Don’t stop.”
“We’ve got five more minutes before we’ve been gone too long. Focus, man. I need to complete this blowjob dare.”
“I swear to God, if you keep—Oooh fuck! Oh Jesus! Oh God! Shit! Just broke that lamp. Oh holy shit, goddamn, I fucking love dares!”
“Seriously? It’s all over my stomach. What a mess.”
“Sorry. I was actually aiming for your tits.”
“Your aim is off. Don’t you throw a ball at moving targets for a living?”
“Look, this is way harder to control, all right? It just… came out before I was ready.”
“Why is there so much? Oh my God, it’s in my hair too.”
“Glitter, man. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.”
“The next time we accept an invitation for dinner at Wren and Shepherd’s house, it’s going to come with some rules. Namely—we do not craft.”
“Shepherd won’t let me play in the batting cage until we help him finish these invitations for Palmer’s bachelor party.”
“What kind of men: A—send out bachelor party invitations in the first place, and B—use fucking glitter on those invitations?”
“Kick ass men, that’s who. Wait until you see the matching shirts I picked for us to wear. Sparkletastic.”
“You’re sure no one was hurt?”
“Emily, they are grown-ass men. And professional football players. I promise they were not injured in any way.”
“I still can’t believe you sent the team to my parents’ house to spring clean, and my mom didn’t kill anyone.”
“Look, it’s my fault she’s still not talking to you. I wouldn’t change one thing about what I said to your parents the night I met them, but I can still do whatever I can to suck up to your mom. It just gives me better peace of mind, since I’m railing her daughter on the regular.”
“You were doing really well there for a minute with the sweetness, and then you had to go and ruin it. She really wasn’t mad?”
“Eh, she was definitely good and pissed when they didn’t use the carpet steamer the right way, but she got over it when they gave her some wine.”
“Oh no… how many times did she tell my great-grandfather’s building of the cottages story?”
“Patrick said three; Marcus said seven. Do you really have flying sharks here? I thought that was just in the movies.”
“The next time you want to do something creative with OTAs for the team, send them to the Sandbar Cottages instead.”
“Oh, they’ll be there tomorrow watering all the flower beds, mowing the front lawns, and restocking all the wood for the deck fire pits, because you’re not doing it. You have plans tomorrow.”
“I do? Care to tell me what those plans are?”
“Nope. It’s a surprise.”
“You want to go back to Hang Five Arcade and try to beat my Skee Ball high score again, don’t you?”