All my brothers, Tempest and my St. Mary’s friends, who all got day passes via Conrad, even Salem and Poe. We’re all gathered out in the backyard, against the backdrop of woods and dangerous cliffs.
And it’s a happy occasion, or at least, it’s supposed to be.
First, there are my brothers and Reed.
As I said, they have thawed toward him slightly. But still, all of them together in one place is not without some glares or awkward pauses and sarcasm. All courtesy of Shepard and Ledger, my two rowdy brothers. Reed doesn’t care or looks like he doesn’t. He keeps his cool and his barbs to a minimum.
Then there’s Tempest, whose usually laughing gray eyes appear sad. Not a lot though — I bet she’s trying to hide her sadness from her own brother, Reed; I would do the same thing for my brothers if I were her — but I can tell.
And I can also tell that it’s because of Ledger.
How he’s hardly paying her any attention and how all his attention is on my St. Mary’s group of friends, especially my quiet, dreamer friend, Wyn.
I know Tempest and I haven’t talked about him in years because of our no brothers rule. But I can tell now that her crush on my idiot brother hasn’t gone anywhere.
You know what, I’m going to give Ledger a piece of my mind as soon as I get a chance. First, he needs to be careful of Tempest’s feelings. And second, he needs to leave Wyn alone; she’s innocent and sweet as opposed to his player ways.
And sad.
Yeah, Wyn is sad too.
Again, not a lot but I can tell. I don’t know what’s bothering her and she doesn’t tell me — absolutely refuses to tell me — when I ask. But I know it can’t be art school anymore; she already got in, as we all knew she would.
Oh, and there’s another person who looks slightly upset.
Okay, a lot upset. A lot. About something. My oldest brother, Conrad.
I have no idea what’s happening and I know that he will never tell me either. But about an hour ago, he disappeared into the house for something and when he came back out, he was glowering.
At nothing in particular, but he was glowering.
Finally there’s me.
And the fact that I’ve done something that all my brothers never wanted me to do. Not again.
I don’t know how they’ll react if they find out.
That I’m in love with him. That I never fell out of love with him.
So I’ve decided that I won’t tell them. I won’t tell anyone.
I’m already not telling Reed. I’ve already promised him that I won’t love him. So there’s no reason for anyone to find out what I’ve done.
Although this time around, it’s hard.
Harder than the first time even.
The first time, I wanted to be good. I wanted to not lie or hide from my brothers. I was ashamed at what I was doing, falling in love with someone despite all the warnings.
This time, I don’t want to keep it from people like it’s a dirty little secret. This time, I’m not ashamed. I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong by loving him.
This time, I’m not naïve either.
I know he’s a villain. I know he has all the power to hurt me.
But I also know that he can be a hero if he wants to be. He can be a protector, a lonely protector.
So I don’t know if this whole get-together was a good idea. Because not only do I have to hide my love for Reed, I also have to pretend to be happy about going to Juilliard.
I thought I would be.
That I would be so, so happy about going to the place where I’ve wanted to go ever since I was five.
But I’m not.
As people around me, my brothers especially, make plans about what’s going to happen after Halo is born, all I want to do is cry.
My brothers tell me that they have thought it all through: I’m going to live with Ledger, Stellan and Shepard, who all share an apartment in New York. They have also begun baby shopping and clearing out a room for me. And since Reed lives here now because he works for his dad’s company, he can visit whenever he wants to.
I expect Reed to say something then.
I expect him to object and declare that he’ll be moving to New York with me. Or as crazy as it is, that I’m not going anywhere without him. Mostly because he’s buying stuff for Halo too and hoarding it all in the spare bedroom as if he means for us to stay.
But he doesn’t.
He doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t tell us that he has a plan. He simply stands there with a tight jaw and shuttered eyes.
Again, I try to tell myself that it doesn’t matter.