I missed classes, tests, assignments. I almost dropped out of school, and I would have, if May hadn’t blackmailed me out of bed and practically forced me to start living again.
Even though it all happened a long time ago, the misery is always fresh when I think about those days. How I buried myself in schoolwork to try to catch up in my classes, how I masked the pain by keeping myself so busy that I was always too exhausted to think. How I pushed myself, taking classes during the breaks and taking a busy job as a photographer’s assistant, so I never had to face the pain I had buried inside me.
“Livvie…” Constance starts.
“Why does he deserve to know anything?” I say bitterly. “I’ve dealt with it. He’s the lucky one who never had to. He didn’t lose anything. He didn’t end up on a hospital bed, afraid to lose the one thing that still mattered, only to be told it was too late.”
“Yes” S
he agrees, “But if he had known he would never have left your side.”
“Only because he would have felt that he had to.” I shake my head. “He hated me then and he hates me now. Telling him won't change that. I don’t want his pity, so let’s not talk about this anymore, please.”
She doesn’t say anything, but I know from the expression on her face that she’ll leave it, for now.
“Blythe said you had been ill.” I mention, a little out of concern, but also to change the subject.
“Yes, but I’m better now.”
“What was wrong?”
“I had a stroke.” She smiles softly as if she still can’t believe it herself.
“Oh!” I frown, “I’m so sorry."
She shrugs. “It was stress related. I was unconscious for a while, and for a long time there was a little numbness on my right side, but I’m better now.”
“I’m so sorry,” I say. “I didn't know.”
“You couldn’t have.” She smiles. “These days I just try to avoid stress. I cut down on all my work, the board meetings, charity work….” She makes a dismissive gesture. “I was never going to work a day in my life, you know. Daniel would have been around to take care of Lockewood Holdings, and Jonathan, my husband, he wasn’t the career type. We’d have spent our lives travelling and spending money we never worked for.” She sighs, “My whole life changed when they died, suddenly I had two children to take care of, a family legacy to pass to the next generation, and a company that needed me on the board. I could have continued to travel and socialize, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave the children. Blythe was only five, and she used to cry for her mom every day. Jackson tried to be strong, but every morning his eyes would be red from crying all night.”
Why is she telling me this? I don’t want to think of Jackson as a boy, miserable and missing his parents. I don’t want to feel this urge to take the man that boy has become in my arms, and comfort him.
“I loved those children Livvie,” Constance continues, “I was all they had. Me, each other, and their memories, most of which are rooted in this house." She looks at me. “I spend a lot of time in Rhode island now. Jonathan had a house by the sea. He used to spend holidays there when he was a boy. We spent a lot of time there too, when he was alive.”
“Do you like it there?”
She nods. “But that’s not why I’m telling you. With me practically living there, and Blythe in the city, this house is unused, and Jackson will give it away."
“He won’t”
“He will, if he never gets over the memories keeping him away from here. I know he’s thinking about it.”
Mrs. Shannon had mentioned the same thing. I can’t even imagine Halcyon without Lockewoods in it. For a moment, I allow myself to imagine a new generation of Lockewood children running through the house. Children with Jackson’s eyes, Jackson's smile, my children. I shake my head to clear the silly thought. “Have you considered that it might be the expense of maintaining a house as large as this?”
“No,” she shakes her head. “The house is maintained by a trust that’s separately invested from the family money. If Jackson donates the house to the national trust, the trust will go with the house, so it’ll actually cost him more to give it away, in terms of his family legacy, his memories, and money.”
“I don’t know what you think I can do…”
She sighs. “I just hoped… “She shrugs. ‘I'm just a silly old woman looking for happy endings for everyone.”
“You’re not old.” I tell her with a smile. “Maybe it's you who needs to fall in love and have a happy ending. That will make you feel young.”
She smiles and gets up. “I’m going downstairs. It’s been so nice having a houseful of people again. Will you come down for dinner?"
“Yes.”
Later, when she has left me alone, I return to my room and change for dinner. Downstairs, the atmosphere is much the same as it is every other night. Blythe has Nick and Carl wrapped around her little finger, and they alternate between trying to entertain her with juicy city gossip, and listening with rapt attention as she talks. Constance is quiet, listening to the conversations but not taking part. Elaine, no longer sulking at losing all the male attention, has transferred her attention to Jackson. She’s sitting on the arm of his chair, looking dainty and gazing adoringly at him, while he smiles at her.