“You know Amy would never do anything to hurt anyone, not deliberately.”
I knew that, but it didn’t change how I felt. “I’m sure Amy’s waiting for you in her room,” I said, my voice tight.
He sucked in a breath. “That’s the thing,” he said. “I wanted to talk to you for a bit. Amy’s been…” He paused. “She’s been avoiding me.”
That made no sense. I knew Amy was crazy about him. There was no scenario I could imagine in which she would actively avoid Colin or choose to be without him.
“I don’t understand.”
He sighed. “Neither do I. She’s blaming herself for what happened, you know, between you and Jason…and I think she’s beating herself up so much about it that she feels guilty about being with me.”
“That’s ridiculous. Amy would never…” But I knew she would. It was just the sort of thing she would do if she felt she’d done something unforgivable.
And for days I’d made her feel like she’d done something unforgivable.
I’d ignored the part where I lied to her, hid my relationship with Jason from her, and ignored her initial warning about the kind of guy he was, all because I didn’t want to see how I’d been at fault as well.
“Daph.” Colin’s voice had an imploring note. “I know you’re mad at her, but she’s your friend, and she cares about you. She really does. You can work through this.”
And then what? Would I forgive her and then have to forgive her brother too? Would I have to endure his presence when he dropped by the apartment as he sometimes did? That would destroy me. My only option was to put my walls up, firmly and implacably. I could not afford to relive my pain again and again until it burned me to ashes.
“I don’t know what you expect me to do,” I told Colin. “And you know, no matter what it is, I’m not even sure I’m inclined to do it.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Why don’t you go see if she’s in? Maybe you can convince her not to push you away, but I’m not sure I can.”
He nodded quietly, the understanding on his face making me feel even more guilty. He went to Amy’s room, and after a few knocks, she opened the door. I heard their voices as they spoke for a few moments then Amy’s door shut again and Colin walked back into the living room. He looked frustrated and sad, and despite my stubbornness, I cared, and I was sorry.
He gave me a wan smile as he went to the door. “Take care, Daph,” he
said, not waiting for me to respond before he went out and closed the door behind him.
I hesitated for only a moment before I marched to Amy’s door and pushed it open. She was sitting in bed, frowning at her laptop screen. She looked up when I entered, and I noticed she was crying.
“Is he gone?” she asked.
I nodded.
She sniffed and went back to looking at her screen.
I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch.”
She shook her head. “You haven’t really, and I deserved the silent treatment.”
“I don’t know,” I said, going over to sit beside her on the bed. “I think I have.”
She placed her laptop on the nightstand and faced me with wide, sad eyes. “I deserved it.”
I sighed. “I mean, I lied to you, too. I lied…a lot. If I’d have told you right from the start that I was seeing…” I stopped, unable to bring myself to say his name and unleash the well of pain that would come with it. “If I had told you I was seeing your brother or thinking about it, you’d have told me the truth.”
She closed her eyes. “I would have. I would. When I had that conversation with Jason…” She gave me an apologetic glance. “I wasn’t trying to tell him about you. When I moved in here with him after college, he had this strange idea that he had to stop bringing women over because…you know how protective he is. He didn’t want me running into random women every morning.”
As I wondered where she was going with her story, I tried to curtail the feeling of jealousy that arose from thinking of Jason with random women over the years.
“When he moved out, he didn’t want me to get a new roommate,” she continued. “He wanted to keep paying the rent, but I insisted on finding someone so I could afford to keep this place without his help or my parents’.”
“And you found me.”
“Yes.” She sighed. “I just wanted to assure him that you weren’t…that I wasn’t going to be waking up to strange guys lounging around the house every morning. That’s why I told him you were celibate. When he joked that nobody had ever been celibate around him, I told him he had a big head. When you told me he wasn’t your type, I forgot about the whole thing entirely. You never acted as if there was anything going on between you guys.”
“Because there wasn’t, not at first.” I sighed. “We hooked up the night we all went to Wild Things, and I never expected anything to come of it. I didn’t think there was any need to tell you.”