“You’re not dressed for work,” she observed, looking surprised that I was still dressed in my sleep shorts and a loose t-shirt. She peered at me and noticed my red eyes.
I’d cried myself to sleep. Seeing Jason had unearthed all the emotions I had managed to suppress, and I’d been a wreck all night.
Her voice took on an edge of concern. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I’ve been advised to take a vacation at work, so I am taking a vacation.”
“Well, you need it.” She smiled. “You work so hard.”
“Mhmm. I found a rental on the beach for a few days, so it’s going to be sea, sand, books…”
“Don’t forget wine,” she suggested.
“I won't.” I paused. “I saw Jason last night.”
Her blue eyes widened. “Here?”
I nodded. “I got back around the time he dropped you off, and I sorta bumped into him.”
She was quiet. “Did you guys talk?”
“A little,” I said.
“And?”
“And nothing.” I closed my eyes. “Amy, I can’t run the risk of seeing him all the time. I just can’t. I know he’s your brother, and while I’m living here, no matter what you do, I won’t be able to avoid him forever.
She stared at me. “I don’t understand.”
I breathed. “I’m going to start looking for a new place.”
Her eyes teared up. “This is all my fault,” she said. “I shouldn’t have let him bring me home.”
“No.” I shook my head. “It’s not your fault. He’s your brother, and…you two are always going to be close. It’s better for everyone if I leave, then we can all put this episode behind us.”
“No. You’re not an episode, and I don’t want you to leave.”
“We’ll talk about it when I get back,” I said, even though I had already made up my mind.
“You’re leaving today?”
“Yes.”
She placed her bag on the floor and pulled me into a tight hug. “I’m choosing to believe this will all work out,” she said then smiled confidently before picking up her bag and leaving.
I didn’t share her confidence. I couldn’t see any other option, but there was no point in telling her that right then. I packed my clothes and the books I planned to read. Maybe with a few days of sea, sand, and quiet, I would discover how to stop thinking about Jason Wild.
For how long?
I loved the solitude and the silence, the sounds of the waves crashing on the shore and the seagulls screaming in the morning. I walked barefoot in the sand until my feet were baby smooth and I was exhausted enough to escape my thoughts in dreamless sleep. In the evenings, I lay on a porch swing bed in the back of the house and watched the sun set over the horizon, and sometimes, I allowed myself to wonder what Jason was doing.
For how long?
I could see his face in my mind, clear as if he was still standing in front of me, and in his voice, I heard regret and agony that mirrored my own. Was I mistaken in refusing to listen to him? Much as I wanted to believe I was, I couldn’t let myself fall into the trap of hoping there was some sort of happy ending for him and me. He’d lied to me, made a fool out of me, and that was that.
So, I searched for apartments, trying not to think of Amy. I felt like a monster, but there was no way I could keep living in a place where I would risk bumping into Jason, not when the sight of him filled me with desperate need and excruciating pain, equally ferocious and equally destructive to my peace of mind. He could never be just another guy, and I would never be able to move on as long as he was near.
I finally did as Candace advised and called my old therapist, Anna.