“No.”
He took a step forward and drew me to his chest, circling me in his arms.
I started to sob. I wanted him. I wanted to be with him in ways even I didn’t understand. I had no idea what it meant, no idea how to say it.
He rubbed my back, hushing me like I was a child. I kept sobbing and he kept holding me, not minding that I was ruining his shirt. He held me until my sobs quietened, and I knew I never wanted him to let go.
Chapter Six
Jason held me for a long time, but when he finally drew away, I was reluctant to let him go.
“I’m going to run you a bath,” he told me.
“Okay,” I said, still hesitant, but I let him carry me to the couch and set me down before going to the bathroom. His jacket was still on the arm of the couch, and I stroked my fingers across the soft, high-quality fabric. It was dark and firm, lovely to touch…just like Jason.
The zero-commitment, guilt-free sex-periment had turned out to be a disaster. I didn’t feel free. I needed Jason, and I was imprisoned by the very walls I’d built to keep other people out, the very walls that had kept him out.
He returned and stood for a moment, watching me.
“What?” I asked softly.
He s
hook his head, smiling. “Nothing. You ready?”
I nodded, and he lifted me up like I weighed nothing. He was gentle and sweet as he undressed me and held my hand while I stepped into the perfectly warm water.
I closed my eyes and sighed. “So perfect.”
He sat at the edge of the bath and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for earlier.” His voice was deep and gentle. “I was jealous, and…” He sighed. “I’m not sure what I was trying to achieve. I didn’t think any farther than some caveman impulse to claim you.”
I wanted him to claim me, not just for today, but for always. Why was that so hard to say, to accept, even to myself?
I remained silent, and after a while, he rose to his feet. “I’ll be in the living room,” he said.
I only nodded in reply.
The bath was warm and fragrant. I tried to relax, but I knew we had crossed a line in our relationship and we were going to have to establish where we would go from here. I wanted Jason; any scenario where I didn’t have him caused a physical pain in my chest. I thought of what it would mean to be with him, completely, the way my heart wanted, and I felt panicked. My feelings for him were too intense for me to deal with, and I couldn’t even be sure what exactly he wanted from me.
The bath started to cool, and I emerged reluctantly then toweled dry and changed into loose yoga pants and a tank top. I knotted my hair on top of my head and went to the living room to find Jason waiting, as he’d said he would.
He gazed at my face. “You’re feeling better?”
I wasn’t. Inside, I was still a confused mess of entangled emotions. “I’m all cried out,” I joked.
He didn’t laugh. “Daphne…” he started, his voice serious.
I held up my hand. “You don’t have to apologize again. You didn’t do anything I didn’t want you to do. We were fucking. That’s what we do, all the time. I have no idea why I broke down. It wasn’t your fault. I don’t know what was wrong with me.”
“So…?”
“I just came to tell you I’m going to bed.” I forced a smile, giving in to a cowardly instinct to run away instead of facing whatever was happening between us. “You can let yourself out.”
He kept looking at me, and under the force of his gaze, my body started to tremble. I looked down at my hands. My fingers were clasped, entwined and twisting.
“Daphne,” he said finally, his voice low, “is this arrangement working for you?”
I closed my eyes. I was suddenly very thirsty. I went to the sink, ran water into a glass, and drank some of it. I rinsed out the glass.