I raised my eyes to meet his. There was no judgment there, just understanding, and it made my heart lighter somehow.
“My stepdad moved on so fast. One moment we were holding my mom’s hands in the hospital, the next he was dating again then married, and it was as if they couldn’t wait until I was out of the house that had always been my home. According to my therapist, I ‘drowned my loneliness’ with casual sex.” I shrugged.
“Your stepdad sounds like an asshole,” Jason said.
“Maybe, or just a regular selfish dude who didn’t count on being saddled with a sick wife and an angsty teenager.”
“So, an asshole.”
I shrugged. “Anyway, in college, it was more of the same. I had short flings, hooked up a lot. I was never alone, always with a new guy, a new crowd…even when I moved here. I thought I was happy, you know? I was going to live that way forever, and I didn’t mind it because at least if something happened to me, I wouldn’t leave anybody behind to live with the kind of pain I felt when I lost my mom.”
Jason squeezed my hand, but he didn’t say anything.
“Last year, my stepdad sent me a letter my mom left for me. He was supposed to give it to me on my twenty-first birthday, so he was three years late. I g
uess he forgot.”
“Asshole,” Jason muttered.
I smiled. “It made me stop and think about some of the choices I was making. It made me get help with unpacking the way I’d dealt with some of the things from the past…and yeah, it made me stop and decide to be alone for a while.”
“You want to tell me what it said?” Jason asked.
I gave him a long look then shook my head. “Not now. Maybe someday.”
“I’d like that,” he replied, as if there was a chance we actually had a ‘someday’. “Come here,” he said, pulling me into his arms.
I sighed and relaxed into him, burying my head in his chest. It felt so good to be held by him, to be surrounded by his warmth, and to have the scent of his skin in my nose.
“Don’t let it go to your head,” I said, “but you are pretty irresistible.”
His laugh was a deep rumble in his chest. “Daphne,” he murmured. “My little gorgeous Daphne Bird.”
I loved the way he said my name. “I’m not little,” I countered. And you’re not his, added a voice deep inside my head. I ignored it.
One hand drifted lazily to cup one of my breasts. “You’re right,” he said. “Not little at all.”
I chuckled. “You’re horrible.”
“I know.” His face turned serious. “I can’t get enough of you,” he said simply.
I knew exactly what he meant. I was crazy about him, couldn’t stop thinking about him. I wanted more than just a random weekend and an unplanned booty call, but I still wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted. Was I ready for a relationship? And even if I was, was he the right person to try a relationship with? I remembered Amy’s warning about him. Wild. He lives up to his name. I wasn’t looking to end up with someone whose default was to play the field when I was trying to leave that kind of life behind me.
“We could hook up a few more times till we get tired of each other.” I felt a pang when I said it, because I didn’t really believe I would or could get tired of him.
“And if we don’t?” he said.
“What do you mean?”
“I like you,” he said, “and it’s not just because of the sex, which is…” He paused. “Out of this world. I want us to see each other, for real, be a…”
“Couple?” I finished for him.
“Yes.”
Looking at him then, I knew I was going to fall in love with him, knew no other man would ever come close…and it scared the living daylights out of me.
“No.” I shook my head then stood up. There was a robe hanging on the bed frame and I pulled it on, tying the rope tightly around my waist. “No. That’s not what I want.” I paused. “Wait, are you offering a relationship because you think it’s what I want? What all women want?”