I don’t deserve to be.
Outside the cabin, the wind howls again.
On the table in front of me, three bottles of scotch are calling to me, promising the familiar comfort of deep, dark oblivion.
This is who you are, Aidan. Just like your father.
“What if I’m just like him?”
“If I end up even half the man he was before he lost the love of his life, I’ll be proud, I guess. And I’ll always be proud of you no matter what.”
Landon’s voice in my memories makes me smile. I drag my eyes away from the bottles. Outside the windows, the rain is a steady shower. The sound and the solitude are oddly soothing.
Go back to work, Aidan.
No. I need a few more days alone with my demons…just so I don’t forget.
Just so I don’t make the mistake of believing I deserve an angel.
I know that I love you.
The words are torture in my memories, because I so desperately want them to be true. I want her to know me inside out and still feel that way about me. I want to share everything with her. The temptation floors me and it scares me because I know once she sees who I really am, her feelings will quickly disappear.
I need to clear my head. Pulling on a jacket, then boots, I walk out of the cabin and into the rain.
When I return about an hour later, there’s a gleaming black Cadillac parked at the end of the drive. The driver’s window slides down and Landon’s longtime driver Joe waves a greeting at me. I wave back.
Inside the cabin, Landon is standing by the stone fireplace, dressed in a suit with his fair hair slicked back, he looks like he just stepped out of a meeting.
I close the door behind me and pull off my jacket. “Hey man.”
He studies me for a moment, one eyebrow raised. “You’re running around in the rain now?”
“I needed some time.” I join him by the fire and warm my hands over the grate. “I thought you were in San Francisco.”
“I was, but…here I am.” He gives me a look of faint disapproval. “You should change out of those clothes before you catch your death of cold.”
My lips turn wryly. “How’s that for poetic justice?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Landon says. I can tell from the way his body stiffens that he’s also remembering that winter morning.
I killed him.
He exhales. “You skipped out on work, didn’t tell anybody where you were, switched off your phone… Is there something you want to tell me, Aidan?”
I consider dumping everything on him. My fears… Liz. He’ll know what to do. He always does. He’ll move heaven and earth for me again and again and again.
He’s always had to.
Now I need to do my own moving.
I shake my head. “Not really.”
“Aidan—”
“Landon, I’m fine. I needed some time off to clear my head.”
His eyes go to the bottles on the table. “So, it’s the pressure from the play?”