“Landon.” My voice is so low, I’m surprised that he hears it.
He turns, so fast, his face coming alive with intense emotion that disappears in the space of a second. He turns back around without saying a word, and I watch as he picks up his glass again and takes a long drink.
I take a step forward, but his voice stops me.
“What do you want?” He sounds as cold as ice.
“I have…” I falter. “I wanted to talk.”
His laugh is mocking and bitter. “You’ve already said it all. We don’t work.” He turns to face me again. “What else is there to say?”
“Landon…”
He shakes his head, “Stop. Rachel. Just stop it.” His eyes hold mine, intense and burning. “I’m done,” he says. “I’m sick of the mixed messages, the drama…” he laughs again. “You always have an excuse to walk away, no matter what I do. I get the message now. You’ve proven beyond any doubt that you’re out of my reach…” he sighs. “You really should leave,” he says. “I intend to get well and truly drunk tonight.”
He starts to turn away, his hand reaching for the glass again.
“I love you.” The words burst out of my lips, soft enough that I can almost convince myself that I didn’t say them, but loud enough to make Landon stop in his tracks. He turns slowly, facing me with an uncomprehending frown. I close my eyes, and when I open them again, he’s still looking at me. My heart is pounding, my chest heaving as I search his face for a reaction, waiting, hoping, and praying that I won’t regret what I’ve just done.
“I love you,” I repeat, slower this time. “I’m in love with you.” I look away from the blaze in his eyes, my gaze falling to his chest. “I have since that week we spent together. I… I didn’t want to fall in love with you, and I didn’t plan to, and it has hurt…” my voice breaks, but I continue. “It has hurt every day, knowing you don’t feel the same way.” I meet his eyes again. He looks as if he doesn’t understand what I’m saying. I swallow. “I just… I thought it would be easier if I let you go.”
His brow is creased. I breathe, unnerved by his silence, by the lack of a reaction. “I didn’t want something that at best was just a prolonged hook-up. And now I don’t want a relationship that has no chance of becoming something more, because I won’t be able to bear it.”
His eyes close, and my heart breaks as I feel the wave of regret emanating from him. This is where he’ll tell me that he’s sorry, that he doesn’t feel the same. I clench my fingers, at least I’ve told him how I feel. Whatever happens from here on, it’s up to him.
“You don’t have to say anything,” I say softly, even though my heart feels shredded. I didn’t expect him to tell me that he felt the same way, but the reality hurts. It hurts so much.
But I’ve bared my heart to him, and the pretense is gone, along with the weight of having to live a lie every second I spend with him. I no longer have to pretend that what we have is enough. Even if I lose him now, I won’t blame myself.
“I’m not asking anything from you,” I continue. “I already know how you feel about commitment. I just wanted you to know the truth. I love you. That’s the only reason why I ever walked away. I knew it was the only way I would have a chance to get over you. ”
His eyes are still closed, and I wonder if he’ll say anything. Maybe he won’t. Maybe it would be easier for the both of us if I left now, instead of forcing him to acknowledge everything I’ve said.
I start to turn back towards the door.
“Rachel…” I pause, surprised by the depth of emotion in his voice. His eyes are shiny as he takes a step towards me. “Don’t go.”
Don’t go. I draw in a shaky breath. That’s not what I want to hear, but it’s something. My eyes fill. “Landon…”
“Don’t go,” he repeats. “Please.”
I nod, then I take the few steps to where he’s standing and wrap my arms around him. “I love you,” I whisper again, strangely elated by saying the words out loud. “Nothing is ever going to change that.”
I feel his chest expand, rising as he takes a deep breath. “You have no idea how afraid I am of hurting you.”
I lift my face to his. I’m already hurting. I’ve been hurting since the moment I realized that I’d fallen in love with him. Could it ever hurt worse than it already has in the past, or worse than it does right now? I don’t think so.
I place a soft kiss on his lips. “You won’t,” I whisper.
I feel him tremble. His hands come up to circle my arms, and they’re shaking too. I pull back and smile sadly at him, memorizing all the lines of his face, every feature that I love.
“I love you,” I whisper again, reaching up for another kiss. This time he kisses me back, his tongue stroking mine with a heat and urgency that makes me forget my pain. I run my fingers through the silky strands of his hair, filling my senses with his touch, giving in to my desire for him.
Landon releases my lips, then holds me against his body for a long moment. I rest my head on his shoulder. I’m glad, I think fiercely. I’m happy and grateful for every single moment I’ve spent with him, and no matter what happens, I’ll never regret it.
I raise my face to his. He still looks shaken, almost afraid, and in his eyes, I can see him struggling against whatever emotions are raging in his mind.
I stroke his hair. “Stop thinking,” I urge gently.