One day, when he finds out how I really feel about him, he’ll recoil from the idea of returning my love, and he’ll walk away.
My insecurities about our relationship will continue to eat me alive until that day comes.
No, I’m not happy.
The thoughts chase through my mind until I want to scream.
How did we end up here? Neither of us really knew what it really meant, this ‘relationship’ we’d agreed to have. We hadn’t defined anything, no boundaries, no feelings, just sex, jealousy, and allusions, but never the truth.
I should have told you about Ava, he’d said. Told me what exactly? Only that they used to be lovers? He hadn’t bothered to explain why he was suddenly spending so much time with her. Had last night’s picture also been a work meeting? It’s no use wondering, and I know I won’t ask him now, what would be the point?
My phone is on the couch beside me, and almost as if I have a masochistic desire to punish myself, I go back to the article from last night, to look at the picture of Landon and Ava.
Sources say they have a passionate h
istory, I read again, wondering what exactly happened between them. I just want to know for sure, I tell myself, as I type in a search term with both their names.
The results are few and span a period of years. A small soundbite about a house party in the Hamptons from about seven years ago, where they are referred to as ‘scions of hotel dynasties’ and described as an item. Then there’s a report from a year later, about her marriage to an Italian race car driver from an immensely wealthy family.
A gossip item puts them together again about three years later, they’re sailing in Europe after her divorce. A follow-up article claims that she has broken his heart and is dating a tech billionaire, then in another one dated soon after, they’re together again, having dinner in New York.
It goes on like that, and I start to wonder if I’m just another temporary separation, like her marriages. The thought is heartbreaking. I close my browser set the phone on the table, then close my eyes, covering my face with my hands.
I’m not going to think about Ava, I decide. She’s not even the problem. Even if she hadn’t appeared, Landon and I would still have arrived here, at this point, where the only sensible thing was to accept that we just weren’t working.
It’s clear what I should do, but when I remember how numb I’d been without him, I don’t know if I have the strength.
I hear my phone ringing, and I almost decide not to take the call, but I change my mind when I see that it’s Laurie.
“Helloooo.” She draws out the word, sounding cheerful. In the back of my mind, I wonder if Chadwick has anything to do with that. “How’s Frisco?”
“Great.” I try to sound upbeat. “How are you?
“I’m lovely. Going on a date tonight, actually.”
“With Chadwick?”
“Yes.” She sighs. “He’s making me dinner at his place.
I roll my eyes. “Laurie, that’s just code for ‘come over so we can fuck after you try to eat my awful excuse for a salad.’ You know that, right?”
“You are mean,” she chuckles, “at least I held him off last night. Tonight, Maybe I don’t care. Maybe I’m not going over there for the salad anyway.”
I think of Brett, wondering if she’ll regret what she’s about to do, but it’s not like I’m an expert. If I were, I wouldn’t be here, my heart torn to pieces over Landon. “It depends on what you want. Just… don’t get hurt.”
She is silent. “I’m already hurt. Rach.”
That makes me want to cry, for her, for myself. “I know,” I reply.
“Oh well,” she says with a long sigh. “How are you, really?”
“Not so good.” Saying it out loud seems to remove the dam I’ve put on my feelings. “Laurie, it has to end. I can’t do it anymore. It’s just too hard. I don’t trust him, I don’t trust myself. I’m jealous, suspicious, insecure, and I hate myself for being so weak. I don’t recognize myself anymore.”
“Rach…” she sighs. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Yeah… I’m just.” I close my eyes. “I’m so unhappy.”
There’s a short pause. “So you want to leave him… again?”