She offers me a sweet smile. "Glad to know you're all about that chicks before dicks life, but this is different. Listen, that day in the restaurant, when I gave you guys my blessing, it didn't come with terms. That wouldn't have been fair of me. In fact, it’d be kinda fucked up. Am I the reason you won't marry him?"
My brows fall. "How did you know I won't marry him?"
Natalie gives me a droll stare. "Why do you think I'm here? Daddy called about his princess. Thanks for taking my spot, bitch."
I clench my eyes shut and cringe. "Please don't call him Daddy."
"Ew. No. I don’t want to know." She covers her ears as my meaning sinks in.
We both laugh for a moment until I sober up, and say, "He called you about this?"
"He did. It was pretty cute. He was just as nervous to talk about it as you. When he told me he asked you to marry him—not once, but like three times—and you said no each time, my jaw dropped. I can't believe you said no."
My eyes widen. I'm going to get wrinkles from how much I'm lifting and dropping my brows. "He told you that?"
"Oh yeah, when my dad's motivated over something, there's no stone he won't turn over to find a positive outcome. He has no shame in his game when it comes to something he loves. Can't fault him for it. It's admirable."
My shoulders slouch, the guilt beginning to settle in my bones. "That's kind of cute of him."
"Trust me, when he asked me to come over because he had something he wanted to tell me, that was the last thing I expected. I wasn't mad, though, and I certainly didn't reject the idea of you guys getting married. Honestly, I was really ecstatic until I heard you said no. What the hell is wrong with you?"
She isn't angry, but more so fru
strated because I’d rejected his proposal. It makes me feel a torrent of emotions for holding back, and especially for causing James to suffer in silence. Natalie clearly has no issue and I'm not sure how to respond to that.
"It's not just you, though." I tip my head to exhale up at the sky. "I feel like we have a good thing going on. Why put a piece of paper between us and ruin it? We're basically married now, anyway. Why do we have to change anything? I feel like that's asking for trouble. You know how they say don't wake a sleeping baby?"
"No, I hate kids, but keep going so I can hear this nonsense."
Natalie isn't sold. I can see it in the way she's glaring at me. I'm searching for answers from every corner of the earth, when she and I know deep down the only place I'll find them is in me.
I sigh inwardly. "It just means don't ruin a good thing."
"First of all, my dad’s a lawyer. He loves to live by the law. Marriage, in his eyes, is making it official. Making it official gets his jollies off. It's basically something no one can ever take from him or you. It's something only you two can have. What makes you think it'll ruin you guys, anyway? What if it bounds you together even more?"
I stare at Natalie, wondering where this romantic side of her came from. She's usually so far removed from the idea of marriage and commitment, yet here she is giving some pretty good advice. I bet she reads my old sappy romance novels I left behind at her apartment. I bet she wants the white picket fence and two point five kids. Maybe even a dog since she hates cats.
"I'm scared, Nat. I've lost so many good things in my life. My parents, Grammy. I almost lost you and him. You guys are all I have left. The same way James would move mountains to get what he wants, I’d do to prevent anything bad happening."
"You didn't almost lose me. We were on a mini break." Regret softens her words.
In times like this when everything seems impossible to have, I love my best friend even more for reminding me hope isn't lost. Our bond is strong, but that doesn't mean we're unshakable. Shit happens and it's all about how we react to it. We've lived and we’ve learned. Since day one we've been there working out our problems as a team, just like now.
"You didn't lose those people because of you. Your parents, your grammy… they were unfortunate situations, but they're not your fault. You know that, right?"
My eyes drop to the ground and I let out a defeated sigh. I know I didn't personally cause their deaths, but they left my world in the blink of an eye because of a split-second change in events.
"Why would I risk tomorrow when I know what the outcome will be? We have a good thing going on right now. Why can’t it just stay that way?"
There's a flare in her eyes now. Natalie reminds me of James when he's confident he's about to win an argument.
Shit.
"Can I ask you something?" The tone in her voice seizes my heart. Hesitantly, I lift my gaze to her. "Do you want to marry him? Tell me the truth."
I don't have to think about her question—I already know my answer. The organ beating behind my ribs nearly breaks through them. Marry the love of my life? The thought of walking down the aisle to marry James is a rush unlike no other. It makes me giddy thinking of him as my husband, but that doesn't mean it should happen. No one gets to eat their cake without consequences.
"Of course, I want to marry him. I fucking love that man so much. I wanted to marry him yesterday, but you know what's stopping me now."