"Turn it all off. Don't allow yourself to think about it. You've done it before, you can do it again. You just have to find that moment of clarity and ride with it."
She was right. I'd shut down the outside noise to become successful, but it took an enormous amount of energy from me in return. The thought of doing that again concerned me.
Shutting down had chipped away pieces of who I was as a person that I'd never get back. It had also taught me strength and shaped me into who I was. But doing that was as emotionally draining as it was physical. How much of myself would I lose this time? Would I turn away people I love forever?
Kova had been there to pull me back right before I pushed myself over the edge for good. He had selflessly let me use him to come back from the dark world I'd locked myself in and had lit the way so I could see again.
This time, though, I was on my own.
"It's getting late and you have to be up in a couple of hours for school," I said. "I'll let you go."
"I'm good. I can still hang."
I smiled to myself, grateful for a friend like her "It's okay. I'm going to lie down and hope this pain in my arm doesn't keep me awake."
"Don't forget to wear the diaper."
I groaned under my breath and she laughed. "Talk to you tomorrow. Hey, Avery? Thank you."
"What are besties for? Later, chica."
After we hung up, I did as Avery suggested. I put a few towels down before I climbed into bed. I made sure my alarm wasn't set and added a note in my phone to contact my private tutor to go over my schedule. I was close to finishing high school a couple of months early and only had very minimal left to complete to graduate.
I switched the light off and then pulled the comforter up to my chin and nestled under the covers. I closed my eyes hoping sleep would consume me soon. That way I wouldn't have to think about anything more, or feel the cold tears coat my cheeks.
I woke from the fiery heat of cramps in my belly at 3:00 a.m. This happened the last two nights since I got home.
I'd followed the doctor’s orders. I thought doing absolutely nothing for at least forty-eight hours would help me heal faster, but each night it seemed to get worse and worse. Avery had mentioned it was probably because my body had been through a traumatic experience, and while I was physically fine, for the most part anyway, the emotional duress I was under would tighten my body and make everything stiff.
I let out a whimper and turned over onto my side, curling up into a ball. I wrapped my good arm around myself like I had done the last couple nights and clenched my eyes shut while I held myself. There was an ache in my bad arm that never seemed to quell, but it was nothing compared to the cluster of knots in my stomach tightening by the millisecond. The little balls of hell exploded like fireworks gone wrong. They were intense and I couldn't help but focus on them. I held my breath until my lungs throbbed for air.
God, I wished this would all go away already.
After a few minutes of lying still, the cramps weren't as intense. I sat up and reached for my cell phone to pass the time, knowing it'd be a good hour or so until I fell back asleep. I had a bunch of missed texts from Avery.
BFF: You are amazing. Remember that!
BFF: Be confident in your abilities and remember that's what got you where you are now.
BFF: Keep your head up, gorgeous. WE got this <3
BFF: Okay, you need to wake up already.
BFF: I'm gonna send out an Amber Alert if you don't text me back.
BFF: …It’s been 84 years.
BFF: Fuck the Amber Alert. I'm just gonna find a new bestie.
I sent Avery a slew of texts. She was dead to the world when she slept, but she'd see them when she woke.
I fell into a routine as the last couple of days at home dragged on. I'd rise to messages from Avery that would either make me cry or laugh, sometimes both at the same time. She would send me texts throughout the day to check on me. I knew what she was doing, and it made me feel so guilty for finding any hint of reprieve because I hadn’t done that for her. I got the feeling she was trying to engage with
me more than usual because she felt like I was going to break soon. She wanted to be there for me, and the thought alone made me tear up.
I attempted to stretch my arm, my wrist, and elbow, but the ligaments were so tight that I grunted under my breath. I wondered how it would feel if I did a handstand, and if I could handle it. I got on my knees and flattened my palms to the floor. Straightening my elbows, I leaned forward and applied a little weight, and winced as pain shot up my arm.
Screw it.