Dr. Kozol's lips flattened. He eyed me carefully, and I took a deep breath.
"Your father said you'll start dialysis after this gymnastics season is over. I'm highly against that, as you know. A waiver had to be signed saying you're forgoing recommended medical treatment. There's too much risk involved, especially since we haven't been able to find a donor match yet."
I perked up. "A donor match? Wait a minute. Who was tested?" I didn't know anything about that.
Dr. Kozol picked up my file and scanned a few papers. He looked at me. "Your brother and biological mother. Neither one was a match. Your father is expected to be tested soon."
Fourteen
I listened to my body—and doctor—and took one day off.
I'd called Kova after I left the doctor’s office and told him the tears were deeper but not completely torn. I’d also told him how my back was still hurting and I wanted to rest it. Much to my surprise, he was quick to oblige. He also said I only get one day and expected to see me first thing the following morning. I laughed. Typical Kova, but I was cool with that.
Since I had stayed home, I took one of the pain pills before I fell asleep. I woke up feeling so much better. It was like I had a brand new body and I loved it. I slept nearly the entire day, only waking up to eat and take my medicine before falling asleep again. I'd been exhausted, not realizing how badly my body needed the rest. It was a blessing in disguise, really, because it prevented me from overthinking the fact that I’d yet to find a match for a kidney.
I also took the time to write in the notebook Kova and I shared. I’d planned on rereading what I had written, along with Kova's responses, but decided I wouldn't. I didn't want to relive the past I held so much hostility for, and since we were in a fairly good place, I didn't see the point in welcoming those areas of negativity back into my life. All it would do is awaken old emotions I had put to rest. So I took the pages and bound them together tightly with packaging tape. They’d have to be cut along the seams in order to be read. Then I flipped to a new page and wrote him an honest note I'd give him the next day.
I wish I knew why I'm slowly giving you another chance and letting you back in. All I know is this hatred was hardening my heart and would continue to take up every last inch of space the longer I went on if I didn't let it go. I realized it's not healthy, and I can't afford anything less right now.
I don't think you're a bad person. I just think you made questionable choices with the intent of meaning well only for them to backfire on you. You're a double-edged sword.
I just wish I knew why I want to be around you all the time.
I wish I could understand why I look for you when I'm alone.
I can't explain this feeling in my heart that only you give me. I probably sound so stupid and young, but I don't feel this for anyone.
Please, I'm asking you to not ever hurt me again. That brokenness I lived through was caused by you, and yet you're the one who's slowly placing the pieces back where they belong. I know you're trying, but so am I.
I walked into the café room the following day and went straight to the refrigerator for the plastic bag I’d brought with me this morning. My lunch was safe for my kidneys, and I had packed wheatgrass juice to drink to help break down the kidney stones.
I sat down and untied the plastic bag then grimaced when I looked inside. My red apple tumbled out and onto the floor as I shoved the bag away in annoyance. I dropped my head into my hands. I didn't have an appetite. I didn't want to eat. And I most definitely wasn't in the mood for this food.
I lifted my head and shivered, then remembered Kova had a hoodie in his office. I also realized this was the perfect time to place the notebook in his desk under the guise of getting his jacket.
My bare feet were ice cold against the tile as I stood and walked to grab the spiral bound book out of my duffle bag. I then made my way down the hall to Kova's office and pushed the door open. His scent permeated the room and I inhaled the dark cinnamon and citrusy tobacco smell. Sunshine flowed through the blinds as I walked around his desk. Bending down, I pulled open his bottom drawer and shoved the book under a bunch of files, making sure it was covered before closing the drawer.
I reached for the hoodie on the back of his chair and slipped it on, then left his office.
"What are you doing in my husband's office?"
"Oh!" I jumped and grabbed my chest. "Katja. I didn't see you there. You startled me. Hi."
She tilted her head and wore a superior expression on her face I pretended not to notice. Her eyes raked down my body then back up to mine. "And why are you wearing his jacket?" She scowled.
My chin bobbed, unprepared for her brash tone. I looked down. This definitely didn't look good, but it didn't look bad either. I tried to think of something quick to defuse her attitude. Kova's jsah-hket, as Katja had pronounced it, was nearly down to my knees and keeping me warm. I wasn't taking it off just because she stood in front of me.
"Ah, I was just—"
"I see you located my sweater, Adrianna. Good."
My eyes widened and locked with Katja's. She straightened, her back stiff as a board and shoulders pushed back.
I looked past her to see Kova striding toward us. I was stuck in my stance when I caught the go-with-it stare in his eyes.
"I did. Thank you," I responded softly, unsure where this was going. He stopped when he reached his wife's side and placed his hand on her lower back.
"Allo, Katja." He didn't smile.