“Hee, hee, hee,” Carl said. And he reached down and pinched Brenda's nose... hard.
Brenda slapped his hand away, and Carl shrieked and hunkered down, digging into Brenda's scalp with his monkey fingers and toes. All you could see was monkey tail and brown monkey fur sticking out of Brenda's rat's nest hair.
“Uh-oh,” Lula said. “I never seen a monkey hump before, but I could swear Carl's in love.”
“Somebody do something, for crissake,” Brenda yelled. “Get him off me! Kill him. Get him a damn banana!”
It was the spider all over again, times fifty. The difference was that this time Brenda's freak-out was justified. If I had a monkey humping my head, I'd be freaked, too.
“Don't slap at him,” Susan said. “You'll make him mad.”
Lula had her gun out. “Hold still, and I'll nail the nasty little bugger.”
The sound guy reached for Carl, and Carl latched on to his arm and bit his hand.
“Yow! Shit!” the sound guy said. “Shoot him. Shoot him.” He whipped his arm out, and Carl flew off into space, hit the wall, and bounced off like a tennis ball. And he kept bouncing. Onto the table, to the chandelier, to the couch, to an end table, to the television.
Carl rocketed around the room, shrieking and chattering and baring his teeth. His eyes were black and glittery and bugged out of his head, and he was spraying monkey spit.
“It's a demon monkey!” Lula yelled. “Get a priest.”
“I'm out of here,” the cameraman said. “Life's too short.”
The sound guy was already in the hall, and Brenda was at the stairs.
“Wait for me,” Lula said, pounding after them.
If I didn't catch up, they'd leave without me. They'd drive away and never look back.
“Turn yourself in,” I said to Susan. “Sorry about the monkey.”
I sprinted across the lot and got to the Firebird just as Lula put the key into the ignition. I hurled myself into the backseat, and we took off with the camera crew truck right on our ass.
“What the hell was that?” Brenda wanted to know.
Lula gave the Firebird gas. “She said don't open the door, but would you listen? Heck, no. You had to go open the door. What were you thinking?”
“I wanted to see the monkey. Did she say the monkey was rabid? No. Did she say the monkey was on crack? No. I assumed it was a pet. Its name was Carl.”
“Right there, it tells you something,” Lula said. “Carls are always crazy. You never trust anyone named Carl or Steve.”
“That's ridiculous,” Brenda said. “Do you have any other theories on names?”
“Yeah. It's been my experience that guys named Ralph only got one good nut.”
I was sitting behind Brenda, and her hair was Wild Woman of Borneo, with a couple chunks obviously chewed off by the monkey.
“Is my hair all right?” Brenda asked. “Do I need to comb it or something?” She patted the top of her head. “What's this sticky stuff?”
At the very best, I thought it was monkey spit.
“Jeez,” I said. “I don't know. I think it might be your gel or something. Probably you want to wait until you get to a ladies' room to comb it.”
Stephanie Plum 14 - Fearless Forteen
CHAPTER TEN
Mark Bird and his producer were waiting for us at the office. The producer gasped when Brenda walked through the door. “H-h-how'd it go?” she asked, her attention caught on Brenda's hair.