“What kind of lewd act?”
"Something very, very, very lewd. There would have to be nakedness and body
fluids."
“Ick. No!”
“Well then, you are still fired.”
“That's horrible. I'm going to report you for sexual harassment.”
“It will only serve to enhance my reputation.”
Unh. Mental head slap.
“Okay. Fine,” I said. “I didn't want this job anyway.”
I turned on my heel and flounced out of Alizzi's office, down the stairs, through the lobby, and crossed the lot to my bashed-in, bullet-riddled, spray-painted car. I gave the door a vicious kick, wrenched it open, and slid behind the wheel. I punched Metallica into the sound system, cranked it up until the fillings in my teeth were vibrating, and motored across town.
By the time I got to Hamilton I was feeling pretty decent. I had the whole day to myself. True, I wasn't making any money, but there was always tomorrow, right? I stopped at Tasty Pastry, bought a bag of doughnuts, and drove three blocks into the Burg to Mary Lou Stankovic's house. Mary Lou was my best friend all through school. She's married now and has a bunch of kids. We're still friends but our paths don't cross as much as they used to.
I walked an obstacle course from my car to Mary Lou's front door, around bikes, dismembered action figures, soccer balls, remote-control cars, beheaded Barbie dolls, and plastic guns that looked frighteningly real.
“Omigod,” Mary Lou said when she opened the door. "It's the angel of mercy.
Are those doughnuts?"
“Do you need some?”
“I need a new life, but I'll make do with doughnuts.”
I handed the doughnuts off to Mary Lou and followed her into the kitchen.
“You have a good life. You like your life.”
“Not today. I have three kids home sick with colds. The dog has diarrhoea. And I think there was a hole in the condom we used last night.”
“Aren't you on the pill?”
“Gives me water retention.”
I could hear the kids in the living room, coughing at the television, whining at each other. Mary Lou's kids were cute when they were asleep and for the first fifteen minutes after they'd had a bath. All other times the kids were a screaming advertisement for birth control. It wasn't that they were bad kids. Okay, so they dismembered every doll that came through the door, but they hadn't yet barbecued the dog. That was a good sign, right? It was more that Mary Lou's kids had an excess of energy. Mary Lou said it came from the Stankovic side of the family. I thought it might be coming from the bakery. That's where I got my energy.
Mary Lou opened the doughnut bag and the kids came rushing into the kitchen.
“They can hear a bakery bag crinkle a mile away,” Mary Lou said.
I'd brought four doughnuts so we gave one to each kid and Mary Lou and I shared a doughnut over coffee.
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“What's new?” Mary Lou wanted to know.
“I quit my job at the bonds office.”
“Any special reason?”
“No. My reasoning was sort of vague. I got a job at the button factory, but I spent the night with Joe to celebrate and then I overslept this morning and was late for my first day and got fired.”