“Oh.” Jayne tossed her hair.
Every man near me held his breath along with me—you know, just in case she put poison in her hairspray.
“I’m just getting a drink with friends.” Her eyes zeroed in on Jason. Feeling bad for the guy, I stepped closer to him and grabbed his hand.
He actually squeezed it.
Let it be known that when a dude squeezes another dude’s hand, he’s in a bad place. A place where beer doesn’t exist and women want to cuddle after sex and discuss feelings.
“Dude,” I whispered. “Say the word and I’ll kiss you right on the mouth to deter her affections.”
“Thanks, man,” Jason whispered back. “But I can handle this.”
“That’s great.” Milo went to stand in front of us. Great, so now we needed protection from Mighty Mouse. What? Was she going to try to kick Jayne in the shin if things got crazy? On second thought, a catfight would be . . .
Oh, sorry. I think I blacked out for a minute. What was going on?
Milo reached into her purse and pulled out a bag of gummy bears. “Sorry, Jayne, I’m just starving! All those drinks and stuff, you want one?”
Jayne shrugged, took five gummy bears, and tossed them back. “Thanks, Milo, and thanks for listening. You’re so great.”
“What just happened?” I whispered to Jason. “I blacked out.”
“Me too.” Jason’s eyes were glazed over. “But Jayne’s had a rough week at work, Milo was comforting her, and Colton was trying not to gag when Milo gave Jayne a hug.”
“Ha. Dude better disinfect his wife before playtime.” I cringed while Jason gave a little shudder.
“Bye, guys.” Jayne walked off.
Milo’s grin was wider than I’d ever seen it before. Like she could seriously have wrapped that grin around her own head twice.
“Aw, shit.” I pinched my nose. “What did you do?”
“I have no idea what you are referring to.” She put the gummy bears back in her purse.
“I thought you were hungry? Why are you putting the bears away?”
She looked down guiltily at her purse. “I promise I wasn’t actually going go to go through with it!”
“Huh?”
“Drinks.” Jason pushed us all toward the bar. “Go through with what?”
We all sat at the bar and waited for Milo to take a sip of her drink. She winced and then started talking really fast. “Okay, so you have to know I would never, ever have gone through with it. It’s just I heard these gummy bears caused, uh, intestinal issues, and, well, last week Max was being really annoying while watching MasterChef and wouldn’t shut up, so I bought the bears in hopes he’d . . . you know, have to use the bathroom more often than not and leave me in peace!”
“So you thought to poison me!” I yelled.
Milo rolled her eyes. “Please, they’re gummy bears. Hardly arsenic. Besides, we don’t even know if it works that way!”
In that instant a red-faced Jayne came barreling by us and nearly collided with the door to the bar before opening it and running out into the fresh air.
“Hmm.” I scratched my neck. “It’s like bitch repellent. Gimme!” I reached for her purse. “I need those for the show!”
“No!” Milo jerked away from me. “That’s so mean!”
“The kettle and pot are both black, Milo. Just FYI.”
I tried to grab her purse again, but was fought off with her nails. Holy shit, the girl was scrappy.
Finally Colt grabbed her purse and pulled it away from both of us. “It’s like watching first graders fight.”
“Thanks, man.” I tilted my beer toward him.
“So.” Milo’s shoulders sagged. “Should we head back home or—”
“Hell, no!” I ordered another beer. “Not until we have a winner.”
Milo sighed. “Fine, okay. So how about the three of you just use one-liners and whoever gets the best responses in the next, say, fifteen minutes wins? I’ll be the judge? Then can we please go home?”
“Fine,” we grumbled in unison.
“Ready.” Milo held up her hand. “Set. Go!”
I ran full speed like a blind cheetah. Seriously I was that fast. Four women. At a table.
“Hey there, can I have your phone number?” I asked the first cougar.
“Why?” Her penciled brows shot up in disdain.
“Well.” I sighed and leaned over so that our faces almost touched. “I’m going to be in the hospital for a few weeks and I could really use a beautiful lady to talk to while I’m down and out.”
Her face cracked into a smile. “How about I just punch you in the balls right now, since you’re already heading to the hospital?”
I jerked back. “Violent. I could dig that.”
“Go away.”
“Going.” I stepped back and made my way to the next table just as I heard Jason say, “You look like a Smurf. A hot Smurf. All tiny and you’re making my balls—”
“Holy shit.” I laughed aloud. And then heard the familiar sound of a cheek getting slapped followed by the sick feeling in my stomach at the thought of that same female kicking me in the balls.
The next table I walked up to was filled with college students. I knew that only because they were wearing NYU sweatshirts and looked like they would rather study than get drunk. Hmm. Smart ones. I had to be careful lest I find my face drenched in beer.