You ready? Because I’m about to shatter your beliefs with one single fact.
I know what these girls eat.
Because when you’re on a dating show you want to look your best, right? Take Amazon, the pine nut queen: men, are you aware of what a high-protein, no-carb diet does to the human body? By the looks of your potato-chip-and-Twizzler diet, that’s a hell, no. Well, let me tell you.
High protein.
Low fat.
Low carb.
Equals trouble.
Also known as intestinal . . . rockiness. Yes, let’s call it rockiness. So the very fact that I have to bend over and stuff my face in all their goodies? Not my favorite thought, not at all. I know what Amazon eats at night. I know what she does with those hands—she crushes nuts and devours them.
And no way do I want my body or my nostrils for that matter anywhere near her ass when she puts her hand on yellow or red. Or damn. Let’s just strike out all colors.
I want Amazon colorless. And odorless, but hey, we can’t win ’em all, can we?
“Max,” Rex shouted. “Right hand, green.” I was already standing on green, so I leaned forward and placed my hand on the sand.
“Gina, left foot, green.”
Helllllll.
Gina smirked at me and placed her foot right underneath my legs. Really, bitch? Couldn’t you have chosen the green spot in front of or behind me? My eyes narrowed, hers matched mine. I mouthed, “Challenge accepted.”
She mouthed, “Bring it.”
“Becca, right foot . . . well, isn’t that the craziest thing, green!”
Hmm, this smelled suspiciously like a setup.
Becca eyed me and then moved her right foot directly in front of my hand. Hey, at least I’d be staring at her ass for the next hour or so.
After ten minutes Amazon made a fatal error and scratched her forehead, her balance was compromised. She fell to the earth much like I imagine Goliath fell to the ground once David shot his head with a rock. Swear the ground shook for a minute as she yelled, “Noooo,” in slow motion. Honest moment, I may have given her a little . . . push. Hey, you would too, don’t judge me, man. Eat another chip and thank your lucky stars you aren’t going on a date with her tonight. She fishes with her bare hands and doesn’t shave her legs, and probably beats her bed partners into submission and not the good kind, feel me?
Another girl went down. Poor Sneezy. It wasn’t her fault. I’m pretty sure she passed out from low blood sugar and dehydration. Mental note: get her a cookie.
Finally, after another one hit the sand, it was just me, Becca, and Grumpy.
“Becca, right hand, blue.”
Becca was still right in front of me but putting her right hand on blue basically meant her ass was going to be pointing toward the sky and her arms would be spread so wide her shoulders were going to hurt for days. With a grunt she moved. Her head was upside down, and she peered at me through her legs.
“Hey, girl,” I joked.
Her eyes flared with what I could only assume was hostility. I almost backed up, but I wasn’t a fan of losing anything and I figured being a man and all, I would be letting down my entire gender if Grumpy and Becca beat me.
Lose to a woman? I think not. I don’t roll that way. Come hell or high water, I would win.
Milo would be so proud.
“Max, right hand, red.” Ha, okay, well, that was going to be a difficult maneuver. Damn it! Why hadn’t I read that Kama Sutra book? Seriously, it would have come in handy, didn’t it teach people how to bend better during sex? With a grunt I moved underneath Becca and flipped around so that I was literally getting straddled by her—but hey, I made it.
Her eyes narrowed even more as she glared at me. Safe to say she’d jumped off the “this is fun” train, and was heading straight to the “Twister equals hell” train.
“You have pretty eyes,” I whispered, while Grumpy got her coordinates.
“Max.” Teeth clenched, Becca whimpered, “You’re not helping.”
“I like this position,” I continued, my eyes roaming over her body. “White bikini? Sexy.”
“Max . . .” her voice warned, but her eyes told me something else completely.
A bead of sweat fell from her chin and landed right next to my mouth. I reached out my tongue and tasted the salty sweetness, letting out a little groan. “Damn, you taste good too. Even your sweat tastes like honey.”
Her mouth opened and then closed.
“At a loss for words?” I taunted.
“Stop distracting me.”
“This isn’t me distracting you. Believe me, if I was distracting you I’d do a hell of lot better job than licking your sweat and imagining all the fun Twister positions I could get you in.”
“Ah!” Grumpy yelled, and then fell onto her ass.
“Winners!” Rex yelled just as Becca gave out and landed on top of me. I fell onto my back, catching her as her legs straddled my waist.
I wanted to kiss her so bad it almost hurt. Her body felt so good wrapped around mine.
Either she was a mind reader or my thoughts were written all over my guilty face. She pushed away from me, nearly kneeing me in the balls, and wiped the sand off her sweaty body.
“Wow!” Rex chuckled. “We’ve got ourselves a lead after only two days! Becca, a date tonight and tomorrow morning! Someone better step up or this competition’s going to be a sweep!”
Becca’s worried eyes darted around the group. The other contestants began whispering behind their hands, their eyes growing more hostile by the second.