I didn’t have anything as interesting as a Dirty Santa party on the agenda for my Christmas break. My parents celebrated Christmas, but not like most families. As soon as I was old enough to know that my presents came from my parents instead of a mysterious sky wizard, they didn’t even bother wrapping them. Christmas morning was more like a business transaction than a celebration. The upcoming one was going to be even worse because my parents were going on a holiday cruise to the Caribbean and I was spending Christmas all by myself. Sometimes I wished my family was a little more festive, but it was all I had really known. I definitely didn’t plan to carry on the tradition once I had a family of my own. I was going to go full on fucking Griswold the first chance I got.
“So what kind of gift are you looking for?” I let my fingers trace the merchandise as we walked down the aisle.
“I don’t know exactly. I don’t want something that’s so dirty my mother drops her eggnog, but it needs to be fun.” Beth put her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes as she scanned the shelves.
“How about Stressticles?” I picked up a box that had an image of a man having his balls squeezed.
“That might be a little too dirty.” Beth giggled and shook her head.
“A Fuck-a-Duck blowup doll?” I put the Stressticles down and picked up the inflatable duck sex toy next to them.
“Tempting—but still probably too dirty for my Mom. Plus, if one of my cousins got it, they might actually use it.” Beth rolled her eyes and shook her head again.
Most of the stuff in Spencer’s was on the dirty side, and the stuff that wasn’t was too tame. We browsed the aisles and ruled out stuff while laughing at every inappropriate thing we found. Beth’s Mom wasn’t a prude by any means, but she still went to church on Sunday and never stopped asking Beth’s Dad to go with her. He was the tamest member of his side of the family by far, but he was still the type of guy to drop an f-bomb at the dinner table and spike the eggnog when she wasn’t looking. I wished my parents were a lot more like them. Beth finally found something that was interesting enough to buy, a spin-the-shot drinking game that was fairly cheap. It would definitely make her Dad laugh,
and was tame enough for her Mom not to immediately blush when it was opened.
“Alright, I’m all set. Do you need to hit up any more stores before we leave?” Beth looked over at me once we walked out of Spencer’s.
“Nah, I think I’m good. Thank you for meeting me here.” I gave her a quick hug. “We need to get together again before we head back to college.”
“We will.” She nodded quickly when she broke from our embrace. “I still have to give you your Christmas gift.”
Oh shit, I haven’t bought her anything yet.
“Sounds good!” I did my best to hide the fact I had completely forgotten to buy her anything.
“I’m sorry things didn’t work out with your mall Santa boyfriend.” She looked over at me and grimaced. “He’s definitely hot though.”
“Yeah…” I nodded and sighed. “Oh well.”
Beth and I parted ways once we got to the exit. She started walking towards her car, and I pretended to walk to mine. Once she was out of sight, I turned towards the side entrance of the mall and headed back inside so I could get a gift for Beth. The path to the store I wanted to buy her something from took me past the mall Santa, and I was surprised to see him sitting on his chair with a line of kids waiting to take a picture with Santa Claus. We had just seen him shopping, so he must have changed into his costume pretty quickly. I paused for a moment, just to make sure it was the same guy, and I got confirmation as soon as I saw his gorgeous ocean-blue eyes peeking over the top of the comical white beard. There was no mistaking those—they had been burned into my thoughts since the first moment I saw him.
Okay, I can’t let him distract me. I need to grab a gift for Beth.
I spent some time browsing the store before settling on a nice gift for Beth. It was a Snow White Disney ornament that matched the rest of the ones she had been collecting since she was a little girl. She mentioned it a few times the previous year and was sure her parents would get it for her, but it was sold out by the time they made it to Hallmark. I was pretty sure they would do the same thing again, and she would end up with another Disney character she didn’t love as much as Snow White. It appeared to be pretty popular and there were only two on the shelf when I got it. I didn’t really want to bother with wrapping paper since I wouldn’t be wrapping the gifts I got for my parent, so I stopped by the kiosk in the middle of the mall that would wrap it for me. After that, I started heading back to the exit.
Santa is on break? He didn’t even spend an hour in his chair…
I was surprised to see that the mall Santa had already gone on break, but I shrugged it off and kept walking. It was a shame that I wouldn’t see him one last time before I left, but it seemed that fate was keeping us apart as much as the supposed girlfriend he was shopping for. Once I got outside, I pulled my jacket tight around my body and started walking towards my car. I deliberately chose a spot near the back of the mall because that was where I had first seen the mall Santa changing into his costume. I wasn’t going to be lucky enough to see him again since he was already in costume, but the chance was worth the extra wear on the soles of my shoes. When I got to the spot where my car was parked, I saw what appeared to be a Santa hat peeking over the edge of the dumpster near the back of the mall. I moved a little closer and heard two people talking.
Wait—is that him? Who is he talking to?
“Here, take the coat. Hurry up, we only have a few minutes before they’re expecting Santa to get back to work.” I heard a voice that sounded a little distressed.
“Fuck it’s cold.” I heard a voice that was similar, but a little different—it sounded more rugged.
“I know, I’m the one standing here without a shirt. Take the fucking coat so I can put one on.” The first voice echoed again.
What in the world is going on?
I walked a little closer, doing my best to remain undetected, and then my eyes nearly bulged out of my head. I was seeing double—but it was real. There were two gorgeous, hot-as-sin, beautifully inked men—and they were twins! Santa didn’t perform a Christmas miracle to get from the jewelry store to his chair, there were two of them. Based on what I heard and what I saw, I had to assume they were swapping places. A few seconds later, I had to duck back around the side of the mall to avoid being seen because a fully dressed Santa started walking towards the back entrance of the mall and the other guy headed into the parking lot. The one that headed to the parking lot rubbed his hands together and blew into them as he walked.
Okay, if there are two of them—maybe there’s still a chance that one of them is single. I might get to make the naughty list this year after all.
Zach
Earlier that day