Chapter 1
I think about her all the time, the one who broke my heart; the one who destroyed what there was of me. It's impossible not to think of her, she's part of me, part of the air I breathe.
I cannot grieve her loss; she's not dead after all, just gone from me. I sent her away, I had to. She was tarnished now, not only in my eyes, but in the eyes of all who wished to see.
I'm a shell of myself, I smile when prompted, laughter is getting easier these days, but it's still hollow, empty, like me, like my life.
I am done, there is nothing left in me, not even the burn of alcohol can numb this pain. Pain, such a small word for such a huge feeling. It's despair, it's darkness, I'm adrift in the middle of the ocean with no one around, death seems imminent, death seems like the answer. Sweet oblivion to take it all away!
I want my heart back, how do I get my heart back? Should I just reach out and take it, would that make me soft, less of a man? Do I really want it back though, or is it just what I've known, what I've grown to know? No it's more than that; she's my all, my everything how do I give that up?
***
It's a new day, I feel my chest where my heart lies, is it still there, is there any change, what day is today, was there something I needed to do, or was that yesterday? Where is she right now, what is she doing, is she okay, is her heart still beating?
I look to my phone, no Dylan you mustn't, it's done, isn't it done? What then, what is there to do? Your days are a wasteland, where are your friends? Oh yes you left them behind as well, a clean break you said? It was too hard to be around others who knew.
Why are your pajamas wet Dylan? Again! Oh yes, you dreamt of her again didn't you? Of course, it's the only way you can get to sleep. Isn't it strange, the memories torment during the day, but soothe at night?
It's okay Dylan, it's alright to miss her, there's no shame in that. She lives inside of you after all. You lived breathed and loved her for a long time. Be strong, the madness will be here soon, it's because you've shut yourself away from reality, the madness is your only companion.
Get up Dylan, move around look alive. Yes I know; you barely are that, baby steps, one foot in front of the other. Is the pain less today? No it just hasn't begun, the remnants of the dream are still playing out in your heart, they will fade; then hell will commence.
There's a bottle of pills in the medicine cabinet...no Dylan, you mustn't; maybe tomorrow it will get better. How will you know if you're not here?
Food, you need food, when did you last eat, dare you risk it, will it stay this time, or will it expel itself once more? No, no food, it's too soon. Is there a drug, maybe there is, you should look into that, tomorrow, we'll look into it tomorrow.
What day is it again, oh yes that's how you started, that's right, lay down again, close your eyes, escape. Tomorrow we will plan.
Is that anger? Hello anger my old friend, where have you been? Yes, strength, I feel it seeping into me, it's better than food, no nourishment can compare.
Are you ready now Dylan? Yes ready, is it dark enough out yet, what about my clothes, dark enough? Did you remember to remove all your hair, every last follicle? There can be nothing left, not a trace.
I'll check, just to be sure, did you pack everything? I think so. Is my heart beating, where did it go? Oh yes, it's been gone for a while now. Don't think about that now. Tomorrow you can dwell; tonight we act.
No don't look back, one foot in front of the other, that's right, baby steps. What's that, no, no one will know I promise you that. That's good Dylan, feed on the anger, what's that? No that's not true, anger is good anger is your friend. Have you felt this good in days? Well then there you have it.
No it's too late to turn back, you want to feel your heart again don't you? Well come on then let’s go. Let's go get your heart back.
NEWS FLASH: The much talked about Rebecca Stevens whose life has been playing out in the media like a soap opera has disappeared from her beach front Malibu home. Police suspect foul play but as yet there are no leads. Join us again at eleven when we will have an update.
Yes my heart beats; I smile, hello anger, thanks for coming.
***
Is murder ever acceptable? That's one for the books ain't it Dyl? Murder is too easy anyway, set an endurance course; watch your prey like a rat in a maze.
Yes that does sound better! Where did we put my heart again? Your heart is safe never fear. Is it time yet? It is time when you say it is time.
There, beyond that door, go get em tiger. I walk towards the door, yes I feel my heart again, it beats. Am I happy, I can't tell, what does happy feel like again? Whatever, maybe tonight my dreams will be my reality. My heart is still, but it beats, all is not lost. Are you sure they will not come? No, they will not come.