With his keys jingling in his hand, I decide to wait for him to leave and then I’ll prepare to wake Ella. We have more boundaries to set. “Wanted to talk to you about something,” Damon starts as he pats his pockets, checking for his keys and his wallet. Tension pulls my spine tight. Damn it. This is the moment he’s going to tell me he knows about Ella. That he saw the way I looked at her in the courtroom. That she spilled to him the details of our arrangement. I brace for it. I’m not ashamed. It’s what she needs.
“Go ahead.” I hear myself say it, and I’m proud of how normal I sound.
Damon leans against the kitchen island. “I heard you paid Harrison a visit.”
Well, shit. I should feel relief, but it’s only slight. “Yeah? Did he tell you that?”
“He mentioned that you stopped by. You know he doesn’t give details—he only mentioned it in passing. He said he was glad to see you.”
“Okay.” What is this conversation? “Is there a question in there?”
“Are you okay, man?” Damon’s tone is genuine. Empathetic. It’s what makes him a favorite of our clients. “We haven’t spoken about the hearing yet, and I know it has to be eating at you.”
The air sweeps out of my lungs. Of course. The hearing. My gaze drops to the floor as I get ahold of my bearings and then look him in the eye to answer, “I’m doing all right. It’ll be better when it’s all over.”
“I know it won’t bring her back, but—” He shakes his head, looking off toward the kitchen window. “She deserves resolution. As much justice as she can get. So do you.”
My throat goes dry and I busy myself making a pot of coffee. That familiar ache returns. I’m comfortable telling Damon the truth. That’s why it slips out of me now. I’m not used to holding back with him. He’s seen me at my worst. “You think she’d want me to have closure? Sometimes I think she wouldn’t want that, since the whole damn thing was—”
“Don’t say it.” Damon holds up a hand. “It wasn’t your fault.”
He allows us to sit in silence for a moment, the only sound being the drip of the coffee maker. I take a deep breath, then another. Four-count. And then do it again.
Finally I respond, “I know.” Don’t I fucking know. I’ve worked through this with Harrison. I’m done working through it. And then a moment like this comes along and all those doubts are back in my head. I remind myself what happened is a ball in a box. “I know. But it feels like the blame should be mine.”
“No, man. Quincy wouldn’t want that. It didn’t matter how things were between the two of you. What happened wasn’t your fault. If it was, you’d be the one on trial.”
Quincy was good. She was a good person, and I didn’t trust her to know what she wanted from me. I didn’t trust myself to be honest with her about what I wanted. It’s what drove us apart in the end. That and the fact that we just weren’t right for each other.
“Look, I’m here.” Damon slips his hands in his pockets. “I need to get out of this house and find some food, but—” I laugh at him in spite of myself. “I’m here. You know?”
“Yeah.” I clap him on the shoulder. “Get out of here.”
He goes, leaving me in the silent house and waiting on Ella so I could feel something other than the emptiness I feel right now.
Ella
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“If you brought donuts, I’m going to guess it went well?” The early morning light is still painted with a mauve hue as the sliding back door closes. Kam wears his million-dollar smile, as I used to call it, just as well as his custom-tailored gray blazer with designer jeans. “By the way, you look hot,” I add and bring the mug of tea to my lips.
“I would say it went exceptionally well.” With his statement, Kamden offers me the pink box of sweets.
Setting down the cup, my smile grows. “Tell me they had the double glazed?”
He speaks as I lift the top, eyeing a half dozen chocolate donuts and inhaling the fresh, sugary scent. It’s heaven.
“You know it, my love,” he says, then hums and drags out the chair to the left of me, scooting it closer and taking a seat. The extension off of the kitchen boasts large windows. Damon suggested I have my morning tea here to soak up more sun since the weather has turned bitterly cold this week.
Slipping off his sunglasses and folding them, Kamden comments, “I’m surprised you’re up this early.”