“Oh.” He backs up, looking…stunned maybe. “I didn’t know that.”
I remind myself that it’s been a lot of years since either of us has done this. And he wasn’t the one taking the test.
I’m grateful the ride to Ryan’s isn’t long. As soon as we’re out of the car and inside the house, I turn to him. “Like I said before, I don’t expect anything from you.”
He tucks his hand into his pocket and his lips mash into a line. “I raised a daughter on my own, I’m not about to shirk my responsibilities this time around. I’m just trying to get my head around it, that’s all, Hanna.” He blows out a breath. “I’m not trying to be a dick. But we’re both in our forties. Last time I was thirty with a teenager, this time I’m going to be sixty. It’s a bit of a mindfuck.”
I haven’t thought much past the shock of this to consider what it will be like to care for a baby at my age, let alone a teenager when I should be considering retirement. My head is spinning. “That’s if this pregnancy goes to term. The chances of a miscarriage are a lot higher.” I need to keep myself grounded and keep my expectations low.
I tap my lips with my fingers, trying to get a handle on my emotions and my anxiety level. I head for the kitchen. I need . . . something in my hands so I don’t chew my nails down to stubs. “And I’ve miscarried before, so that increases my odds of having it happen again.” It was such an emotional blow. One I struggled to recover from for months.
Jake follows me, eyes wide. “You miscarried before? When did that happen?”
“When I was forty-one.”
“I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
“It’s really not something I talk about.” Especially not with the guy I’ve been having a clandestine relationship of sorts with.
He rounds the island and comes to stand beside me. “We probably should. Even though I’m sure it’s difficult.”
I nod and look out the window, into the backyard where string lights hang over the outdoor dining area. “I’d basically given up on the idea of having my own baby at that point. Gordon and I had been trying for so long, with no success. I said I was done with the fertility treatments and the doctor appointments. I couldn’t handle any more disappointment. I stopped keeping track of periods because they’d started to get all wonky anyway. One day I went to the grocery store and I had these awful cramps. The kind that took me to my knees. I was nine weeks.” I blow out a breath. “I was devastated. I’d been pregnant and I hadn’t even known. Again. It was too much emotionally to handle something like that again.”
Jake rubs his bottom lip, and his eyes are sad. “I’m so sorry, Hanna. I can’t even imagine how hard it was for you.”
I give him a small smile. It’s always strange, the feeling like I need to console the other person or protect them from my pain. “Me, too.” It was the beginning of the end for Gordon and me. He couldn’t understand my grief. He’d suggested adoption, and I hadn’t been opposed, but we’d had friends who had gone down that path and faced horrible disappointment when the mother decided at the last minute to keep the baby. Their hearts had been so broken, and I couldn’t fathom any more loss.
It had been a dark time in my life. My mom had been there to support me, and so had Paxton. And, of course, Ryan. But I’d taken it much harder than I expected. I shut down for a while and decided I couldn’t go through it again. Except now I am. “So, when I tell you that I don’t expect anything from you, Jake, I mean it. Neither of us meant for this to happen, but this is my very last chance to have a baby of my own. I’m very aware that it’s risky for the baby and me, but I didn’t think I’d get another shot at being a mom, and now I’m being given one.”
He leans against the counter, his expression pained, but it’s hard to get a read on him. “I see why you want to go through with this.”
I feel like I’m about to start crying again, which isn’t going to be helpful to this conversation. So, I shift gears. “Can I get you something to drink?”
“Why don’t you have a seat, and I can get you something instead?”
“I’m pregnant, not an invalid, Jake.”
“I know. I’m just trying to be helpful.” He moves to the cupboards and pulls out two glasses. Of course, he knows where everything is here. He has dinner with Ryan and Queenie once a week. Queenie is incredibly close to her dad, and Jake and Ryan get along really well. I hope this doesn’t change that. At least not in the long term.