The list was endless of the shit he’d do to make these couples happy and in love again.
I used the term “wife” loosely since it was a charade. Cain was adamant couples would trust him more if he was happily married himself. For months he was in search of his perfect partner-in-crime until he’d finally found her. Her name was Lively, and I hadn’t met her yet. However, from the photos he’d sent me of her, she was a fucking knockout.
The business idea occurred to Cain a few years ago while all of us, including Mila, were in Cancun together. It was our college graduation trip, and we just so happened to book a booze cruise on a catamaran for the day. He was inspired and decided he could successfully sell the dream of love for a living, and the crazy part was, he was making a killing doing so.
Lately, he’d been on my ass to visit him and meet Lively. For someone who said they had no interest in their fake wife, he sure as shit talked about her a lot.
Maybe I should take Sage with me? Where the fuck did that come from?
“Look at you,” I announced to Sawyer, trying to ignore the thought that had just stirred in my mind as I sat on the exam table in the hospital room. “You’re all dressed up in your doctor clothes.”
“Their my scrubs, you dick.”
“Bro, I think I have a problem. I think I’m dying.” I grabbed the stethoscope from his neck and placed it over my heart. “You hear that? I’m fucked.”
He tore it out of my grasp. “Stop touching my shit, Ashton.”
“Sawyer! I have a real problem here! Okay? Are you paying attention?”
“You sound like a needy chick.”
“Speaking about needy chicks. How did it go with the best friend?”
“What best friend?”
“That memorable, huh?”
“Who, Aspyn?”
“No, Sleeping Beauty … yes, the shitty fucking driver.”
He smiled, beaming. “She is a ride.”
“She is a ride? Or she rode you?”
“Both.”
“You going to see her again?”
He didn’t answer my question. “That’s like asking you if you’re going to see her best friend again.”
I winced.
“Shut the fuck up.”
I shrugged. “It’s why I’m here, Captain Obvious.”
“She must have been quite the lay.”
“I wouldn’t know.”
“Now I know you’re messing with me.”
“Nope. The only thing I got was a knee to my balls.”
“Wait, what?”
“Let’s just say we spent all night talking.”
“Like dirty talking?”
“No, you shit, like talking, talking.”
“I don’t understand.”
“And here I thought you’d be the one who would understand the most out of all of us.”
“Me?” he snapped. “Why me?”
“I don’t know. We’re the only two left who haven’t settled down yet.”
“Cain hasn’t settled down. He’s pretending to play house to make money.”
“Bullshit. You know he’s fucking her.”
“Of course he’s fucking her, but he’s not marrying her.”
I jerked back. “Are you saying Leo is marrying Mila?”
“I’m sure it’s coming. They already live together.”
“Our boy is getting married?”
“Ashton, don’t go—”
“We’re going to Vegas for the bachelor party, and there’s going to be titties everywhere. I’ll call up Blue Diamond, let him know we need the cream of the crop of his strippies for the weekend.”
“You would be thinking about that right now.”
“It’s better than what I’ve been thinking about all day.”
“Which is?”
“Sage. I can’t get her titties out of my head.”
“I thought you said you didn’t have sex?”
“We didn’t,” I explained, jumping off the exam table. “We were sexting.”
“Well shit, are we back in high school?”
“Fuck you, man. I like her.”
“You like a lot of things.”
“No, I mean—I really like her. I like her so much I asked her out.”
“Wow.” His face was shocked. “Hell has officially frozen over!”
“Dude.”
He put his hand up to his ear. "Excuse me? I’m sorry. What was that? Can you say that one more time? I don’t think I heard you the first time.”
“You heard me, fuck face.”
“Oh come on, this is a monumental moment. A fucking universal standstill. Pigs are flying all around us.”
“No shit! Hence, why I’m dying, jackass! This isn’t who I am. I am not this man. I asked her out on a date, Sawyer. I’ve never been on a date in my whole life. I’ve turned into this pubescent boy overnight, and I even fucked my fist to a photo of her tits.”
“Wow, we really are back in high school.”
“I didn’t jerk off to pictures in high school, asshole. I didn’t need to.”
“Nurse!” he exaggeratingly shouted. “My boy here needs you to blow him so he remembers he has balls.”
“Bro.” I shook my head, standing my ground. “I came here for advice, and this is what I get from you?”
“You’re right. We should take you to the ER instead. You need a radiologist to x-ray your head on the fact that you’re pussy whipped and you haven’t even seen hers yet. For the first time in our lives, you got a girl, Ashton.”