“I just…I need time to think.”
“No, you need time to run.”
He stood in my way of escape, and my panic flashed to anger. I stood tall, gritting my jaw. “No, Parker. I need space because I expected you to not choose your job over me every single time, and apparently, you aren’t capable of it. How many more times am I going to have to step aside for your job? Will you leave me behind again because your job is more important? Will I be left to the wolves again while you achieve your dreams?”
He stumbled back like my words were a physical blow.
The direct hit didn’t ease any of the pain wracking my body. Instead, it only made it worse. Tears broke free, and my chest shuddered over the sobs I fought to hold back. He closed the gap between us, gripping my biceps. “I know it’s hard, but, Nova, I want you. I don’t want to lose you again. I need you with me.”
“No…not really.” I pulled back, shrugging my bag on my shoulder. “You never did.”
“Don’t you dare walk away,” he ordered when I shouldered past him. “Don’t you dare run. For once, don’t be a coward and fight.”
Just like that, my muscles tensed all over again, and I whirled around. “I am not a coward.”
“Then stop acting like it,” he snarled, taking a challenging step forward.
“You have no idea what it’s like—what it was like. I’m already exhausted, Parker, and all I want is to not talk about it anymore. All I want is for you to go out there and tell them to fuck off.”
“You think I want to face this? I don’t. It was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made, and it haunts me every motherfucking day. Not a moment goes by that the guilt doesn’t weigh me down like a ten-ton truck. But, goddammit, Nova, I busted my ass to get here. I faced doubt at every fucking turn my whole life, and I can’t just say fuck it when I want to. I fucked up before, but I can’t let my past define me. I can’t let it keep me from a future I dreamed of—a future with the woman I love by my side not always trying to run.”
His words slammed into me, knocking the wind from my lungs. “Don’t say that,” I breathed.
“What? That I love you?” For every step I fumbled back, he followed. “I’ve loved you for so long that I don’t even know what it’s like to not have this feeling taking up every spare spot in my body. It’s part of me. You are part of me. You always will be.”
Too much. Too much. Too much.
I couldn’t breathe. It came at me from all angles, and all I wanted to do was ball up and be alone and ignore everything crumbling down on me.
“No. Parker, I can’t.” I shook my head, backing up more, lashing out blindly—pointlessly. “Go do your job, Parker. It’s what you always wanted.”
“Don’t, Nova. Please,” he pleaded through clenched teeth.
He stretched his hand out for me to take, and I stared, remembering the way they traced every dip and curve of my body. For a moment, I considered taking them, holding onto him, and taking the leap into the abyss.
But familiar, solid land stretched behind me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
And then I turned and did what he accused me of.
I ran.
Thirty
Nova
Regret hit me almost as soon as I left, but my feet refused to turn back. I went to the airport and booked a ticket to the closest I could get to New York. On my flight to Pittsburg, I clung to the merry-go-round of emotions, not sure how to let go when everything swirled around me like a blur.
As soon as I dried my eyes from crying, indignant anger burned. As soon as the embers cooled, defeat pulled me down into despair, where I started crying again. I hated it. I hated the way they blurred together and left me a mess I didn’t know where to begin to untangle. I didn’t know which thread to pull first without falling apart.
The only thing I did know was that I needed to get to solid ground. I needed to make the spinning stop.
When my flight landed, I didn’t take my phone off airplane mode, too scared of what waited for me. I booked a mini-cabin for the night before renting a car the next day after I peeled myself out from where I hid under the covers. I blasted music on my drive through the mountains. I tried to focus on the trees and the rocks and nature all around me. I tried to blot out the thoughts by belting out lyrics, but it was useless.
Nothing could distract me from my argument with Parker. We both lashed out. We both dug our heels in and landed blows that were wrongly delivered. We both acted without thinking. We were both wrong.