‘Something like what, Theo?’ All the nebulous feelings she had had since her afternoon with Beth crystallised into a hard knot of miserable realization—the sort of miserable realisation that no amount of self-justifying internal clap-trap could cure.
She had waddled around him for years, invisible underneath her camouflage clothing, and then she had somehow landed up naked in his bed. He had happened to like what he had seen, and therefore had made full use of it.
Moreover, she could hardly blame him when she had been an eager and willing pupil.
‘This conversation is beginning to bore me,’ Theo announced, strolling out of the room.
Heather, who actually just wanted to find somewhere dark and hide away, knew that she couldn’t leave things where they lay. Much as she didn’t want to follow him, she did—to find him helping himself to something stronger than wine.
‘I’m sorry if I’m boring you, Theo. I know you like to keep things superficial with women…’
‘There’s nothing superficial about sex!’ he thundered, banging his glass on the counter with such force that some of its contents splashed and formed a little puddle. He swore silently and grabbed a teatowel, which he proceeded to dump on the spreading patch.
‘Well, no…not when it’s part of a meaningful relationship…’
He met her eyes steadily. ‘Not when it’s part of an enjoyable relationship. There’s the nub, Heather. Relationships can be enjoyable without necessarily being meaningful.’
They were both tiptoeing around the central issue. She could either agree with him and back off, take the little he was offering which was a whole lot more than she had ever had in the past, or she could stick to her guns and probably get blown apart in the process.
‘I just need to know where we’re going, Theo. I mean, is there any kind of future for us?’
Theo, swirling what was left of his drink, could barely believe his ears. He had just offered her something he had never offered another woman before—the chance to have a live-in relationship with him—and what was her response to that? Questions about longevity, musings about that woolly thing called a future, which seemed to occupy women’s minds with disproportionate significance.
‘I think you’ve been a little too influenced by my mother.’ He poured some of his drink down his throat and then refilled the glass. ‘Somewhere along the line you have allowed the myth to become reality. Let me clarify the situation for you, Heather…’
Heather did not want him to clarify the situation for her. Nor did she want to see him looking at her with the cold eyes of a stranger. She wanted him back, the man she loved and knew. But in the space of a second it became perfectly clear that she would never have that man back, because the nature of their relationship had been altered. Like someone trapped on a dizzying, nightmarish rollercoaster ride, Heather felt herself being catapulted towards an inevitable conclusion. There was no getting off the ride now that it had taken off.
Like a rabbit caught in the dazzling headlights of an oncoming car, she stood there, eyes wide, looking at him, half praying that he wouldn’t say any more. Her legs felt weak and she sat on a stool, resting her arms on the counter and staring through him and past him.
‘Any notion of permanence between us was something created for my mother’s benefit. She was weak, and I didn’t feel that launching into an explanation of what you were doing living under my roof would have helped her along the road to recovery. She has wanted to see me settled for a long time—too long—and she saw you and flew to the conclusions she wanted to…She still comes from a time when two people living together constituted a relationship…’
‘We have got a relationship, Theo…’ Heather wondered whether he could hear the note of pleading in her voice as clearly as she could.
‘We have,’ he agreed smoothly. ‘But one of a purely sexual nature. It’s something I hadn’t expected, and I’m quite willing for it to continue, but that is all it will ever be.’
‘And when will you tell your mother the truth?’ Neediness had jumped on her from behind and grabbed her by the throat, and she hated it. Somehow she had waltzed through life without ever really being under the control of anyone or anything. Yes, she had needed to work, but no job had ever meant so much that the thought of losing it had lost her sleep. And, yes, she had friends, and she enjoyed them, but need…? No. Now, as she was trampled under the remorseless march of Theo’s cool, dispassionate summary of what they had, she could feel her need rising up and making her say things she knew she shouldn’t.
‘That is something that need not concern you,’ Theo answered indifferently. ‘When my mother has fully recovered, then I shall tell her that you are no longer a part of my life…that things simply did not work out…we were incompatible…’
Heather nodded dully, fighting back the insane desire to argue her stand, to tell him that they were compatible. Hadn’t she lived with him for months and months? Hadn’t she seen him in his worst lights and his best? Thankfully good sense prevailed and she remained silent.
‘She will be disappointed, but she will recover,’ Theo continued, with sweeping confidence.
‘And will you ever settle down, Theo? Or are there just too many women in the world left to explore?’
Theo didn’t care for that at all. Just because he was not ready for commitment it did not mean that he was shallow in his dealings with women. He looked at her through narrowed eyes and told himself that, yes, what was happening was for the best. It had been foolhardy to extend his invitation for them to continue sleeping with one another. Already she was beginning to tap her feet to the invisible sound of wedding bells, and that would never do.
‘My life’s ambition,’ he drawled, with every semblance of boredom, ‘is not to sleep with as many women as I can before I die, believe it or not…’
‘No, you’ll only sleep with them if they can give you a cast-iron guarantee of non-involvement. Not many of those around, Theo.’
Theo was flabbergasted. When had it all changed? If he could have staked money on the one woman who would have been immune to thoughts of marriage, it would have been her. Hadn’t she worked for him for nearly two years? Hadn’t she seen first hand his views on commitment?
‘I cannot believe that you, of all people, can be sitting here and telling me this.’
Since Heather couldn’t quite believe it either, she didn’t say anything.
‘I am not looking for a life partner because at this point in time I need the freedom to pursue my career. I would not be unfair enough to any woman to marry her with the illusion that she would be anything but second place in my life, and what woman would want that?’
Heather almost laughed out loud at that piece of verbal dexterity. So now she was meant to believe that poor Theo was only thinking of the woman—doing her a favour, in fact, by never promising more than what he could deliver that day. And in return all he asked was not to be plagued by anyone being so thoughtless as to suggest that she might be concerned with what happened beyond a twenty-four-hour period!
She wasn’t going to have a great long debate with him about that, though. He was as skilful with his words as he was with everything else, and she knew that whatever argument she put forward he would proceed to knock it down, because he wanted to remain in an ivory tower and that was, quite simply, that.
‘You’re right,’ she agreed wearily. ‘No woman.’
Theo felt a surge of anger tear through him and fought it down, surprised by his irrational response. He was just doing what he usually did when a woman started fantasising about the impossible. He willed himself to get back in control of his scattered thoughts, and a lifetime of self-discipline came to his rescue.
‘Don’t you ever get tired, Theo?’ Heather asked curiously.
‘Tired? Tired of what?’
‘Oh, I don’t know…tired of the different faces, of playing the field…new dates, new women, new conversation…’
‘I thrive on variety.’ Theo stood up abruptly and headed towards the sofa. He liked this line of conversation almost as little as he had liked her implication that he was somehow superficial in his dealings with the opposite sex.
That seemed to be a closing statement, and Heather remained on the stool, blinking back her tears. Eventually she stood up and started walking towards the bedroom.
‘Reconsidering my offer?’ Theo asked casually, and she rounded on him, fury replacing the misery of a few seconds earlier.
‘No, I am not!’ After everything he had said, his arrogance to think that she would even consider some short-lived vacancy as his mistress was just too much. ‘I wouldn’t dream of sleeping in your bed, knowing that at any minute I might be chucked out because you’d got bored and decided it was moving-on time!’
‘Then why did you sleep with me in the first place?’
‘Your mother assumed…’
‘My mother assumed that we were in a relationship, which doesn’t answer my question…Ah…I see…’
‘What do you see…?’ Heather blinked in confusion. She had been led into a trap and now he knew what she was all about—knew that she had fallen in love with him. Well, there could be nothing more terrifying for him. Love would have him running that mile even faster than he already was! She had hoped to leave with at least her dignity intact, but now she could see that had been a wild hope.