The day with Risk had given me a glimpse of a possible future where I smiled and laughed and felt at peace. I loved my mum, God knew I did, but I hadn’t felt a semblance of peace with her since before we found out that she was so ill. I always worried for her. I always waited for more bad news about her condition. I always had this bone-chilling fear that because she had forgotten me . . . did it mean she didn’t love me anymore? How could a person love someone they couldn’t remember, right? That thought plagued me.
Having a carefree day reminded me that, eventually, I wouldn’t get the honour of worrying about her because she’d no longer be here for me to fret over.
I knew she was dying and I knew that no matter when her time came I wouldn’t be ready for it. I wanted my mum to be free of pain, to finally find her own peace but I selfishly wished that was a long way away. Helping Michael take care of my mum these past nine years had become my life and it terrified to me to think of what would become of me when she was no longer here for me to take care of.
Those thoughts entered my mind as I lay in bed with Risk. I had a strong urge to come and be with my mother, even if it was just to watch her sleep, so that was what I did.
“I missed you today,” I told Mum. “Did you know that?”
“Yes,” she answered.
I’d wager she didn’t have a clue how much.
“You’re my best friend,” I told her. “In the whole wide world.”
“That’s nice.”
I chuckled, amused by how unbothered she was with me.
“These last nine years have been hell on you, Mum. On me and Michael too because we’ve had to watch you lose yourself but we’re still here for you and we’re not going anywhere. Do you want to know why? Because you’re our girl.”
Mum smiled at me, then turned her head and looked out of the window of her room. I knew she likely didn’t have a clue what I was talking about and that her mind was wandering elsewhere but telling her what was on my mind made me feel better.
“I want to go to the zoo.”
“So do I,” I replied. “I hear it’s lovely this time of year.”
“Me too. I want to see a . . . dinosaur. A big one.”
I smiled when Mum looked at me and blinked.
“Who are you?”
“My name is Frankie.”
“I love that name,” she wheezed. “Beautiful.”
“Thank you.”
Mum wiggled around her bed until she found a comfortable spot and sighed. She rested her head back on her pillow as she looked up at the ceiling, blinking slowly. I gazed at her beautiful face and felt my heart clench.
I loved this woman so much, I couldn’t fathom my life without her and I didn’t want to. She was my whole world and she was being snatched away from me by an enemy I could not fight. My eyes misted with tears and when I swiped away the few that fell, Mum looked back at me.
“Now, honey bear,” she said in a very matter-of-fact tone. “Don’t you . . . be crying. There are too many things . . . to smile about. Even if everything goes wrong . . . it’s all gonna be okay. You’ll see.”
I stared at my mother as she beamed my way. When she blinked and looked around, I knew her moment of clarity had passed but her words struck a chord deep within me. Those words could be applied to every little thing that scared me right now. My relationship with Risk, my fear of my life without my mother, a possible future without them both in it. I could fret and cry about the unknowns that were to come but what good would it do? I still didn’t know what would happen. All the fear I felt was taking away from my time with two people I loved so desperately in the here and now, and I had to force that feeling to take a back seat.
I just had to trust that things would end up being the way they were meant to be and that I could somehow live with whatever that turned out to be. It was still scary, so bloody scary, but letting go of what I couldn’t control made my heart beat a little easier.
My mum was right. Even if everything went wrong, it was all going to be okay.
CHAPTER TWENTY
FRANKIE
“Frankie, relax.”
I looked at Angel when he spoke to me and I knew I had a deer-in-the-headlights expression on my face.
“I am relaxed. I’ve never been as relaxed as I am right now. I’m insanely relaxed.”