I tucked her blanket around her. “I’ll go and make you a cuppa, okay? It’ll help you relax.”
She reached out and touched my hand. “Two sugars, sugar.”
I laughed, lifted her hand and kissed it. “Coming right up.”
I left the room, feeling like a weight had fallen off my shoulders. I leaned against the hallway wall for a moment and I processed what had just happened. She recognised me. My mum knew who I was. I held back tears of joy as I pushed away from the wall and walked towards the tea and coffee station. As I placed the tea-bag into a cardboard cup, and filled it with boiling water, I kept replaying over and over in my head my mum saying my name and calling me her little. A little thing like that brought me so much happiness, I knew I would never forget it as long as I lived.
With two cardboard cups of tea in hand, I turned and walked back down the hallway and into my mother’s room. I was half-way across the space before I looked at her and I stopped dead in my tracks. For a second, I thought she was asleep but she didn’t look right to me. I got a sick feeling in my stomach.
“Mum?” I stepped closer. “Mum, are you okay?”
When she didn’t respond, I hurried over to her side and it took me all of two seconds to realise that she wasn’t breathing. I dropped both cups of tea to the floor. I stood as still as a statue. Inside, I was crippled with pain, and fear welcomed me into its open arms, but on the outside I could barely breathe. I felt myself stumble over to the door of Mum’s room, Erica was walking by when she caught sight of me.
“I think she’s gone.”
I heard myself say the words but instantly my heart firmly denied them. This wasn’t real. This was too soon. Much too soon.
Erica shouted something then hurried by me into the room. Somehow, I walked over to the bed’s end without collapsing. Two other nurses entered the room. Their focus entirely on my mum.
“This is too soon, Erica. The doctor said six months, she’s only been here two.”
I sounded so calm, so serene, it confused me because inside I was screaming.
“You have to help her, Erica.” I felt my hands shake. “I’m not ready for her to leave me. Please. We were supposed to have more time.”
Erica and the other nurses didn’t help my mum at all and I knew why. She made the decision to not be resuscitated when she . . . when she died. She was at the end of her life; when she went, she wouldn’t get any help from anyone.
“I’m so sorry, honey,” Erica said. “Time of death, 2.06 p.m..”
“No.” I moved to the bedside. “This is wrong, this isn’t real.” I took my Mum’s warm hand in mine. “Don’t leave me.”
She didn’t reply and I couldn’t accept that she never would.
“God,” I felt my heart pound against my chest. “Please, don’t do this to me. Don’t take my mum away from me.”
I didn’t realise I was having an asthma attack until drawing in a deep breath was suddenly impossible. I gasped as my hand went to my chest, which felt like a weight was sitting on it. My vision distorted and a loud ringing sounded in my head. I felt hands on me and I heard voices but none of them were clear. Everything was out of focus and inaudible. It was only when my mouth was opened and the familiar tip of my inhaler entered that I forced myself to inhale. The usual taste of chemicals coated my tongue. It was odd, but I always liked the taste because I associated it with being able to breathe. I thought of this as I inhaled a few more puffs.
Slowly, I blinked the room back into focus.
“There we go.” Erica’s face came into view. “Slow and steady breaths for me, Frankie. That’s it, girlie.”
I kept my eyes on Erica as I followed her instructions. I realised I was sitting on the floor after a minute or two, I just wasn’t sure how long I had been down for. Nothing throbbed or ached, which told me I didn’t fall. My brain told me that Erica and the carers likely eased me down to keep me from collapsing and hurting myself.
“My mum,” I rasped. “My mum.”
“Just breathe for me, sweetheart. Just breathe.”
I could breathe now, I could inhale and exhale a breath without struggling, but on the inside I felt choked with pain. I ignored the women as I pushed myself to my feet. I turned and stumbled over to my mother’s bedside. I reached out and put my hands on her face. The calmness and confusion that I previously felt fled, and wild panic overcame me when my mind began to comprehend what was happening. I screamed and cried until no sound came out.