“Probably,” she says. “But sometimes it takes a lot of personal growth to open up, and it sounds like you were pretty brave with him.”
I like the fact that Tabitha is honest with me.
She doesn’t sugarcoat anything.
She doesn’t tell me that everything would have been the same no matter what. If I had talked to Aaron years ago, I could have mended our relationship. I could have spent the last few years with a friend instead of feeling like I was lost and alone and drowning.
Now I have him, though.
Sort of.
“Something’s still holding you back,” she says.
“I think he wants to be in a relationship with me.”
“Is that something you also want?” She dips her carrot in a little ranch cup and takes a bite. It crunches loudly, and the sound seems to echo because it’s so strangely silent in the break room.
Is it?
It is something I want?
Kind of.
Maybe.
Absolutely.
But I’m not under the impression that the Daddy Dom thing is going to be exclusive of sex, and, well, I’ve never done that.
“I have a problem,” I tell her. “With sex.”
“Like you have an STD?” She asks.
“No...like...”
Should I tell her?
I should tell her.
If there’s one thing I realized over the weekend, it was that keeping secrets and holding back doesn’t usually work out for the best. I should definitely tell her. Who knows? Maybe she’ll have an idea for how I can deal with my problem.
“What?” Tabitha asks.
“I’ve never...I’ve never done it.”
“What, with a man?”
“No, I mean...no. I’ve never had sex. Ever. With anyone.”
Tabitha looks surprised for a second, but then the realization of what I just said seems to hit her, and her jaw drops.
“What do you mean, you haven’t?”
“It just never happened.”
“Bullshit,” she said. “Not getting a pair of shoes you want is something that maybe never happened, but this...are you telling me that you saved yourself for him?”
“Not exactly.”