Maybe I should go.
Suddenly, I hear a whine, and I look down. The wolf is at my feet, looking up at me curiously. He looks concerned, like he can tell I’m suddenly scared.
Like he doesn’t want me to be afraid.
“Sorry, Wolfy,” I say. “I got caught up in my own thoughts.” There’s a large boulder nearby and I go over and sit on it. Wolfy comes to me and I pet him gently. He rubs his snout against my leg and I smile.
“You’re so friendly. I’m glad you found me. You’re the only one who knows I’m here, you know?” I don’t know why I’m talking to him, except that somehow, I think if I don’t talk to Wolfy, I’m going to go crazy.
“My grandmother died. My brother killed her in cold blood. I saw everything. Now my brother wants to kill me. He was supposed to get everything, but she changed the will.” Why, oh why, did she do that? I know it was what she wanted, but part of me wishes, as horrible as it was, that she had just given in to him. Part of me wishes that he would just take the money and leave. “As soon as he finds out, Wolfy, I’m dead. I’m a little surprised I’m not already.”
Jeffrey would have played sad for the cops. He’s a perfect liar. He would have made them believe he was really sad and concerned about his lost sister. Then, at the reading of the will, he would have put on his plastic smile during the reading. He thought he was going to get everything, but as soon as they tell him he’s out, that I’m the heir, I’m dead.
As soon as he discovers that I’m the sole benefactor of grandmother’s estate, he’s going to get me.
My wolf’s fur sticks up and he snarls, almost unintentionally, and I smile. I’m not afraid of him. I feel safe with him. He makes me feel a little less lonely and a little more human.
“I’m not sure what to do,” I admit. “I…you know…” I can’t say it. I don’t want to say that I think I’m going to die or that I think my brother is going to make it hurt. One minute I feel safe: the next, I’m sure he’s hiding behind a tree or something.
“Let’s just find some food, okay, Wolfy?” I get up and keep walking. Wolfy growls slightly, but follows closely behind. After a few minutes, his ears go flat and he makes a low, sharp sound. I ignore him and take a step forward, but Wolfy jumps in front of me on the path and bares his teeth.
Message received.
My mouth goes dry and I stand perfectly still. He’s not going to hurt me. I get that. I know it, but why doesn’t he want me to go forward?
He turns and takes a few steps forward, then glances back at me. Is he trying to see if I’m standing still? I nod, slightly. No, I won’t try to follow him. No, I don’t know what’s going on.
No, I don’t know why my new pet is acting like the wild animal he is.
Wolfy runs off and I turn back to the cabin.
So much for dinner.
**
I finish masturbating and lay in my bed, exhausted. All I do these days is masturbate, but it helps me relax. It helps me calm down enough to sleep. Insomnia is something I’ve never dealt with before this week. Now it’s a constant companion.
Part of me is afraid to fall asleep. As soon as my eyes close, my brain runs with horrible visions of my grandmother and brother. In my dreams, I run and run and run, but I can never run far enough or fast enough.
Somehow, he always finds me.
Now, as I lay in bed, I begin to feel waves of exhaustion begin to take over. Maybe I’ll actually be able to pass out fairly quickly. It’s only mid-afternoon, but who cares? I don’t have anything better to do or anywhere to go. I don’t have anyone to look after me.
I don’t have anyone to care about me.
It’s not like I’ve ever minded being alone before, but then, I’ve never been this isolated. Though I’m a nerd through-and-through, I’ve always had books. I’ve always had writing. I’ve always had coworkers and classmates and my grandma.
I’ve always surrounded myself with people and characters and adventures. While I rarely let people get close to me and I have no best friend to speak of, I’m never entirely alone.
And now I am.
I close my eyes and will myself to fall asleep. Though I’m in the heart of the forest, the woods are noisy and loud.
Could there be any more rabbits?
That’s what I want to know.
They’re loud and bouncy and run everywhere. I wish I had a way to catch one. I know exactly how to make rabbit stew. Everyone thinks the vegetables are the key, but really it’s the meat. You have to cut your meat correctly. You can’t be lazy or sloppy. The problem is that most cooks are in too much of a hurry, so they mess up even the best cuts of meat.