I rolled my eyes because I thought it would stop me from crying if I did, but that didn’t work. If anything, it made the tears come faster, harder, and I recounted the experience to my roommate. The worst part was that I still had the money in my purse. He didn’t even take it. Now I didn’t know what to do with it. It wasn’t mine. It felt wrong to have it.
“Does he think you need charity?” Fawn asked. “Is that why he tried to give you so much money? Maybe he thinks we overpay living here.” She gestured to the space. “It’s not exactly a gorgeous house, you know? Maybe he overcharges us and he knows it. Like, maybe it’s a rebate?” She shrugged and looked at me, waiting for me to respond.
“I don’t know,” I said. It was possible, I supposed. We didn’t exactly live in a good part of town, but since when did any of that matter? No one had ever taken the time to try to give us money before. It didn’t exactly make sense that they would try to now. Nobody in the world thought twice about girls like us. Nobody ever tried to help us out.
Not me.
Not Fawn.
Not us.
“Look,” Fawn said. “He’s a jerk. What other way is there to look at it? He gave you money for no good reason except to throw it in your face that you’re poor. Then when you tried to do the right thing, he got weird on you. He’s weird, honey.” She sighed loudly. Fawn was probably right. She had a lot more experience with men than I did. Despite the age difference between us, Fawn seemed like she was an expert at relationships, and me? Well, I’d be lucky to even meet a guy, let alone catch one.
“Yeah,” I whispered. “He’s weird.”
“Weird,” she repeated, and I nodded, but I didn’t really feel like it was true. I mean, maybe it was. Maybe he was just some weird dude and I needed to forget about him. Maybe I needed to stop worrying about what other people thought and just worry about myself. Maybe...
“I need to get to class,” I finally said, looking at the clock. I didn’t have morning classes that day, but my afternoon was going to be a busy one. I had papers to write and research to do. I had a lot on my plate, and none of it was going to get done if I just sat around moping about a guy who not only didn’t like me, but who basically couldn’t stand me.
“Yeah,” Fawn agreed. She closed her notebook and stood up. She stretched lazily and then started shoving her stuff in her bag. I was already packed, but I waited a few minutes as she got ready. Then we grabbed our backpacks and walked together to Bailey Hall. This was one of the biggest buildings on campus, and also one of the most beautiful. It had started out as a space where people could hold art classes only, but over the years it had morphed into so much more. It had been added onto and expanded multiple times, and the current structure was both strange and enticing. I was pretty sure there was one add-on that resembled a turret, but all of the administrators insisted that it was part of the original structure. That was a part of the building I’d never been to, but I kind of wanted to go exploring.
Not today, though. Today was all about lessons. Today was all about studying. Most importantly, today was about trying to forget the horrible morning I’d had, and it was about forgetting all of the extra money I had.
We stood outside for a minute, not going in, not speaking. Neither one of us had anything to say that was going to make us feel better, although there was a part of me that wondered whether Fawn really understood why I was upset. Did she know I had some sort of sick, twisted crush on our landlord? Did she know that sometimes, I thought about him in ways I really shouldn’t?
“It’s going to be okay,” Fawn finally said. Then she gave me a quick hug and went inside. The hug was strange enough. Fawn and I weren’t affectionate with each other. Ever. We weren’t really friends, to be honest. We lived together and we had a sort of routine together that worked for us, but that was about as far as it went. That was the key to having a good roommate relationship, I thought: not getting too close. If you got too close to people, then they could hurt you. If you maintained a healthy distance, you could have a sort of working relationship that continued only as long as everyone did their part. In this case, it was paying rent on time and that sort of thing.
I should have gone right in to Bailey Hall, but instead, I sat down on a bench and just stared at a tree for a long time. I couldn’t figure Locke out and that bothered me. He was fucking rich and he was in my grocery store. Then today, he was touching me. He was touching me in ways I’d never been touched, making me feel things I’d never felt.
It was wrong, and I shouldn’t have liked it as much as I did.
I wasn’t a virgin. I’d had sex before plenty of times, but it had never felt like that. The way he looked at me, demanding respect both physically and verbally made me feel like I wanted to just throw myself at the floor and grovel for him. He made me want to beg for him and his attention, and I didn’t like that. It made me feel weak, somehow, and uncomfortable. Worst of all, it made me feel more turned on than I’d ever been in my entire life.
That wasn’t something I could let myself feel, though.
Finally, at the risk of being late, I went inside and sat through three different lectures. Each one seemed to last forever, and honestly, I might as well have just stayed home because I didn’t feel like I actually retained anything that was discussed. One of my classes was all about local history and the importance of Ruby City in the art world. Another was about art history. The third class was discussing a story that I hadn’t read because I’d been so caught off guard by Locke’s visit at work the night before.
Finally, I left campus and headed to work. I managed to make it through a shift at Wish Mart without losing my mind. The work was monotonous, but strangely paid enough that I could afford to live with Fawn and pay for the basic things that I needed. I wasn’t under any impression that I was “doing well” for someone my age. I knew perfectly well that there were people in their late 20s bringing in millions of dollars, but, well, my life hadn’t exactly been simple.
Had it?
That was no excuse, but the only way I could go was forward, and so I did. I finished my shift and after saying goodbye to the other team members, I took off walking. I didn’t live too far from work, and Ruby City was a pretty safe place
. It wasn’t like there was a ton of crime or a lot of drugs or anything like that. I didn’t have to worry about being mugged on my way home. I didn’t have to stress out and wonder if every person driving by was going to hurt me. It was just me and the sidewalk.
On my walk, I passed a church that I’d seen a million times before. Saint John’s was a nice looking church: strong and dependable. They ran a preschool and an elementary school and they were always working on local community projects. It was a good place with a nice reputation. There wasn’t a single person in town who didn’t know about this church and everything that it did for the community.
On a whim, I went up to the front door and stared at the church. I’d spent a lot of time in church as a kid. I don’t know if God always answered my prayers, but I’d always felt a connection. The church had always reached out to me and given me hope. I liked that this church did that in the community.
I took the money out of my purse. The cash Locke had given me felt tainted, somehow. I didn’t want to use it. Not now. I didn’t want his pity money.
But pity money could go a long way if you used it right.
I shoved it into the church’s mail slot before I could second guess myself. I heard the bills flutter to the floor inside the church. At the very least, it would pay for part of their electric bill and maybe they could stay open a little longer. Warmth filled my soul as I realized I’d done something good. Something special.
Something that could truly make a difference.
Then, before anyone spotted me and thought I was causing trouble, I turned and kept walking home. The walk only took a few minutes, but as I approached my street, I realized there was a problem with my home.