It’s none of my business where he went. The truth is that he doesn’t have to tell me a damn thing. We aren’t dating. He owes me nothing. For some reason, I need to keep reminding myself of this because there’s a part of me that very much wants more from him.
Still, I’m curious. I find myself wondering if he went for a run to clear his mind, or to try to get me out of it. Is he still pained from our breakup? Actually, he seemed both shocked and horrified when I told him the truth reason for our breakup, and it makes me feel a little…
Well, ashamed, I guess.
It’s been so long that I probably should have followed up and made sure that he really did go to school and that he really was successful, but why would I? We were broken up! We were split up and when that happens, you’re supposed to move on. You’re supposed to stop looking backward and look forward instead, and well, I tried to. I really and truly tried to. I always assumed that he had moved on, too, but now I’m not so sure.
“I went to see my mother,” he says the words with a sort of finality. His mom? Why would he go see her? Then I realize he went to confront her, and that makes me feel nauseous. I haven’t seen Jeanette since it happened. I haven’t wanted to or needed to. She made it clear that I was no good for her son, and well, I believed her. Brendan and I dated on-and-off throughout our senior year of high school and all of college. We broke up for little things and got back together the next day. We were each others’ first love, and well, I guess I had always thought that she liked me.
“Your mother?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
My question hangs in the air for just a second. He crosses his arms over his chest and looks at me carefully. I try again to stop staring at his penis. This is a super serious conversation,
but he is so damn naked right now. Seriously. He needs to cover up.
“Because she lied to you, and I wanted to know why.”
Wait…
What?
My blood runs cold at his words. What does he mean? She lied to me? What did she lie to me about? And why?
“Brendan?”
I think he senses the fear in my voice, but he doesn’t come to the couch. Instead, he sits down on the floor and looks over at me. There must be three feet between us, but it’s enough to keep us from touching in this moment.
And he’s still naked.
I’m torn between wanting to throw myself at him and start climbing up him like a tree and wanting to respect the fact that he hasn’t had any time to deal with this newfound knowledge.
“What do you mean? How did she lie to me?”
“I never went to grad school, Foxy.”
“But…”
“I never wanted to go either.”
A sinking feeling hits me. He didn’t plan to go to school? But I saw the papers! I saw the entrance packet. I saw the acceptance letter he received that showed he’d been accepted, but…
Thinking back, Brendan had never mentioned graduate school to me. When we’d talked about our futures, it always seemed like our time really was supposed to be in Claw Valley. We both seemed to like the idea of settling down here and having kids one day. Neither one of us had expressed much interest in leaving. In some ways, I think that was why he words had come as such a shock to me.
“What?” I shake my head. “What do you mean? Tell me what you mean.” I’m on the verge of crying again, and oh, I do not want to cry in front of him. Not tonight.
“I had never been planning on leaving Claw Valley. My mom had been pushing me for years to leave. She wanted me to go to graduate school, to sow my wild oats, and to marry Allison Erin.” He shakes his head and holds his hands up. “I was never going to do any of that.”
“What?” The word comes out forced, like I’m choking on it. What is he talking about right now? Is this for real?
I feel like I’m on repeat, like I’m some sort of broken record right now. The only question I seem to be able to ask is what? Nothing else seems to come out, no matter how hard I try.
“Yeah.”
“But…”