“Why not?” he pressed.
“Because if I think about it like that, then it’s worse!” she flared up. “Then I’m angry and upset as well as tired and sad! I waste energy cursing out Rob and resenting how much I have to do! And that’s too close to...”
Jeff touched her cheek, and she lifted her eyes to look at him. He looked infinitely compassionate, endlessly calm. “Too close to what?”
“Too close to how my mom was,” she let out on a breath. “She was in the same situation, and even when I was a little kid I could tell how much she resented it. And that meant she resented me, because I was what made it so hard.”
She swallowed, feeling a burning behind her eyes, but made herself continue. “And I will do anything rather than let Emily feel like that, do you understand? I don’t care if I have to swallow down everything Rob ever did, pretend it’s all okay and nothing is wrong, and that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. Emily is not going to think that I wish she’d never been born.”
She stared at Jeff, willing him to understand.
“I don’t think you could ever make Emily feel like that, Leah,” Jeff said. “And I want you to know that if you’re with me, you can be as angry or upset as you want. I’m not a little kid and I’m not going to take it to heart.”
But you’re not going to be here much longer. Leah didn’t say it, because she didn’t want to bring the mood even further down. But she knew it, and it made her want to hold everything in even more.
Because how awful would it be if she could let it out, cry and be comforted, rage and be understood, if she could have understanding and sympathy and compassion and help, for such a small amount of time...and then have it taken away again? To have to swallow everything down all over again? To rebuild her walls, her coping mechanisms, her cheerful smiles for Emily’s sake?
She couldn’t do it. She knew she couldn’t.
But maybe she could give herself a tiny little taste. That might be enough to bolster her up, to make her smiles a little more real, if she could remember that there were good men in the world, and one of them had hugged her and kissed her hair and told her he wanted to make everything all right.
So she stepped forward into Jeff’s arms. He wrapped her up immediately, pulling her close and holding her tightly, and dropped another one of those soft, whisper-gentle kisses to the top of her head.
He kissed her temple next, still soft and light, and then her cheekbone, a little butterfly touch. She turned her face into his, and he kissed her lips for the first time.
He tasted warm, and masculine, and like the strength that she needed right now. She twined her arms around his neck and kissed him again.
Jeff tasted her, his tongue exploring her mouth, and Leah opened to him gladly. His lips dragged damply against hers as he pulled away and kissed her again, and she shivered in his arms, heat running through her body.
Suddenly, he pulled back. Leah felt colder immediately, and frowned up at him. “What is it?”
"I just want you to know," Jeff said. "I want you to understand. We can do whatever you want. If you want to do this for a while, and then separate and sleep in different rooms, that's completely fine, or if you'd rather stop right now—"
Leah put a hand on his chest, and he stopped talking. "I do not want to stop right now. I hope I wasn't doing anything that made you think I wanted to stop."
She'd thought he would laugh, but he just looked stubborn. "Of course you weren't, but I believe in being sure that everyone's on the same page before doing anything. And we can do whatever you're comfortable with. If you want to stop at any time, that's okay. And if you want to go to bed together, but just sleep, we can do that."
Leah softened. Rob had never said anything even vaguely like this to her. "I want to go to bed together," she said, slowly and deliberately, and to her delight, she could see Jeff's pupils expand until his eyes were almost black. "But I don't want to just sleep."
Before today, she wouldn't have said she was the sort of woman to jump in bed with a
man she'd just met. But Jeff was...there was something about him. She felt so much for him already. They had a connection, she knew that, and she knew he felt it too.
And he was such a good man. If she was going to get any chance at having him, even for a short time, she needed to take it and hold on to it.
She'd remember this night for a long time, she knew.
Jeff leaned in and kissed her again. This time, he wasn't slow and careful, just hot and thorough. Leah melted against him as they kissed, feeling his whole muscular body pressed against her.
His hand stroked down from her shoulder, cupping her breast for just a moment, before sliding down the curve of her waist to her hip. Leah had a moment of self-consciousness for her too-curvy body, but it disappeared in a wave of sensation as his thumb found the gap between her shirt and her jeans and started stroking over that thin, sensitive skin.
“Can I...” he murmured, his hand at the hem of her shirt.
Leah nodded breathlessly. Jeff pulled back and stripped her shirt up over her head. He tossed it aside, his eyes devouring her body. “Wow.”
Leah looked down. “Really?”
She wasn’t used to thinking of herself as sexy anymore. When her body had started changing during pregnancy, Rob had just lost interest in her. He seemed like he’d rather go without sex than touch her when she was putting on so much weight.