“I notice Kendall is not in this morning, do you know where she’s? he asked. “It’s not like her not to be here, she always liked to be here when you arrived, and she always looked happy in the morning when you arrived.”
“It’s a long story, but now is not the time to fill you in on the details.”
“Ah, well I hope she’s alright and comes back soon,” he said.
“Well, I better get to my office and see what’s waiting for me to do,” I stood and returned the chair.
“Okay, Elijah, nice talking with you,” Jefferson said as he replaced his headset.
I left the shipping department and walked down the hallway toward my office, it seemed quiet and still and had no vibrancy and warmth in the atmosphere. I looked at Kendall’s desk and thought of the joy that she brought to this part of the operation.
Her desk laid dormant and still, it had lost its soul and now just appeared to be a remnant of what it used to be. The phone laid silent, and there were no colorful toys that lined the desk, it laid bare and plain and had lost its meaning. It had returned to its life of just being another desk and had lost its sense and purpose. I pictured Kendall sat there as she answered the phone and booked appointments, and all the time she filled the area with color and warmth. All of that had been washed away by one simple action from myself, and I had to live with that decision, not just for today but forever.
I ran my fingers over the desk as I slowly walked to my office. I sat behind my desk and relaxed in the comfort of my chair. I looked at Kendall’s empty desk and already missed her, no longer could I call her to come to the office and pretend to give notes so I could be close to her, I had lost all of that and more, she had started to become a companion, and I ended it.
I had known it was the best thing to do, I missed Kendall, but I couldn’t harm or hurt her like I had done with the others in my life. This feeling would pass, and she would be safer away from me. I had wished it had not had to come to that solution.
I busied myself through the morning and had on occasion started to call Kendall until I realized she had gone and was no longer a part of the company and my life. It was a sad fact, and you can be dealt these sorts of cards by life, but you had to muster on and go forward.
I looked up when someone knocked on the door.
“Morning Elijah, can I come in?” Peter said as he popped his head around the door.
“Yes, sure, come on in,” I replied.
Peter grabbed a chair and started to talk about things that had happened over the past couple of days.
“So, what’s all this with Kendall?” Peter asked.
“Well, I had to do it, I had to protect her from myself,” I replied. “Is she okay working for you?”
“Yep, sure, she will be a great asset, you know that but that is not what I mean,” Peter replied.
“Look, I had a good talk with Mom yesterday, and I found out a lot about myself, and I didn’t like it,” I explained. “I had been a dick for whatever reason, and I had hurt you and Mom so much. It fucking makes me sick. I had to make sure I wouldn’t do it to anyone else who is close to me.”
“So, you thought the solution was to let Kendall go? To just end it?” Peter asked.
“I had to do it, I couldn’t see any other solution. I could hurt her the same was as I hurt you, and I’m not prepared to do it. I had become a person not to be liked by anyone, and having someone I care about in that position would be a cross that is too much to bear,” I said.
“It’s a strange way of looking at it, but if that is your decision, I’m not the one to make you look at it any differently,” Peter said. “You have to do what you feel is the best for you.”
“I know that, but I have hurt more than enough people in my life, and I don’t have to add Kendall to that list,” I said. “She shouldn’t suffer because of me.” My shoulders slumped.
“Well, that is a shame, because I think you’ve already added her to that list by your actions,” Peter explained.
I thought about what Peter said, and I could still not see that there had been another solution. I had lost my memory, and the way I was could just be temporary. And the more I learned about myself, the easier it could be for me to slip back into the person I used to be. If that happened, I would just look at Kendall as a thing to use and not as a real person with feelings. The way I had ended it was harsh, but it could save her from a lifetime of sorrow and resentment.
Peter had to head off, and I asked him to take care of Kendall and make sure she didn’t dwell on things too much, especially me. She should look forward to the future and get on with the life that she so deserved.
“See you soon Peter,” I said as he left the office. “Take care.”
“You to Elijah, you too,” he replied sadly.
I had had enough for the day. I had become bogged down in my thoughts. I felt heavy. I decided to leave the office and
head off home early.
When I arrived home, the place still felt empty and lifeless. It had quickly become a shell, a lifeless shell and one I had to sit in alone. I walked around the house and looked at all the spots where Kendall and I had interacted, the kitchen, the living room and the bedroom. Short memories that had been made were enough to last a lifetime, but the opportunity to create much more had gone. I could feel myself starting to feel worse as I headed back to the living room.