I could feel him standing at the front door, watching me walk to my car. I couldn’t even turn around and wave. The emotions welling up inside me were just too much. I managed to get into my car and away from the house before completely losing it, my mind too tired to comprehend what just happened. Everything had fallen apart in two seconds flat.
Chapter Thirty-One
Ryan
Alissa leaving made my heart sink and put a lump in my throat that I couldn’t seem to choke down. This was supposed to be an amazing Fourth of July with her and Kayla in my arms as the fireworks went off over our heads. Yet again, though, I was standing in my house, being blocked in every direction by my ex-wife. I felt terrible that Alissa left, especially after everything that she had done that day. But because it was Kayla’s birthday, I couldn’t break my little girl’s heart and kick her mom out, not after how excited she got when Christina showed up at the front door. In the end, it was better for Alissa to go and spare her any further heartache since my ex-wife seemed to have other motives. I turned toward her angrily and stared as she looked around the room, noticing the changes.
“We will not talk about this in front of Kayla,” I said firmly. “I don’t need you getting her hopes up about anything. We’ll talk more after the fireworks are over and she is asleep in her bed.”
“Thank you, Ryan,” she said, stepping forward. “Thank you for being willing to hear me out.”
“Let me make something very clear,” I said angrily. “I am only willing to hear you out because it’s Kayla’s birthday, and I don’t want to ruin it by sending you packing right now. Yet again, you have ruined another day for me, but it’s not my day. It’s hers. Now go upstairs and get your daughter so we can get this over with. I don’t want you lingering here any longer than you have to.”
Christina nodded and walked up the stairs, her hands clasped in front of her. I was so angry that I didn’t even know what to do, and I couldn’t believe that she had the nerve to walk in my home and tell me she wanted me back, and in front of company, no less. She really felt like she had no limits or boundaries, as if she had forgotten we were already divorced.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sent Alissa a text, apologizing again and telling her I would call her later in the evening. I didn’t expect her to text me back, and I felt completely terrible for doing this to her. She deserved so much better. While I was forced to sit in the yard with Christina, she would be driving home alone during the fireworks, her favorite part of the holiday. Minute by minute, it became harder and harder to let Christina stay at the house, especially knowing she was trying to weasel her way back into our lives.
When she walked into the house, I was shocked as to how I felt about her. I no longer saw her as beautiful, I no longer longed for her, and my heart didn’t even miss a beat. Instead, I felt disgusted by her presence and angry as hell that she would barge into my life like that. All I wanted to do was let Alissa loose on her, but I couldn’t, not with Kayla there. I knew that Alissa would have felt the same way. I couldn’t even start to imagine what it must have felt like for her to stand there and listen to my ex-wife tell me she wanted to get back together with me. I wasn’t even the other person, and it made me feel sick to my stomach. I hated everything about hurting Alissa again, especially since I promised that I would never let the shadow of my ex-wife get in the way of us ever again.
I could hear Kayla upstairs, laughing and talking, so excited that her mom had come to visit her on her birthday. I couldn’t blame Kayla, but her reaction toward her mother and the dismissal of Alissa had gotten Alissa right in the heart, and rightfully so. It was a very confusing situation, and I realized that I was not at all read
y or equipped to handle it. I didn’t want to talk to Christina after the fireworks, but I had told her I would, and I didn’t want Christina making a scene and alerting Kayla that there was anything out of the ordinary. Christina knew how to play at my heartstrings, and that was through our daughter. I also knew that she had shown before she didn’t care about her at all, making it hard to believe that she suddenly had some crazy change of heart. I sighed and walked to the bottom of the staircase.
“Come on, Kayla,” I yelled up to her. “Grab your blanket. The fireworks are getting ready to start.”
“Okay, Daddy, we’re coming,” she yelled back happily.
The three of us walked outside into the yard like we had so many years before. Only this time, I wanted to be as far away from Christina as I could get. She and Kayla sat on the blanket, and I pulled up a chair, leaning back and trying to clear my mind. I watched as Kayla snuggled into her mother, and though Christina was not super loving, she kissed her forehead and watched the light show over our heads. When it was over, I put the chair back and turned to Kayla.
“Okay, birthday girl,” I said. “It’s time for bed.”
“Will both of you tuck me in?”
“I think I am going to leave this one to your mom for tonight,” I said.
“Okay,” she said, coming over and kissing me on the cheek before taking her mom’s hand and pulling her into the house.
I stood out in the yard, staring up at Kayla’s window, watching as Christina read her a short story and tucked her into bed, closing the door as she left. I took in a deep breath and walked inside, knowing that it was time for that talk. By the time I got inside, Christina was standing in the living room, looking up at the shelves and pictures on the walls.
“You redecorated everything,” she said, staring at the wall where her favorite painting used to be. “It’s very normal.”
I ignored her snotty comment and took a deep breath, sitting down in the chair next to the couch. She flicked her fingers at the throw hanging over the edge of the new couch with a holier-than-thou look on her face. I ignored it, knowing it was her trying to be catty and letting me know she didn’t approve, which I didn’t give two fucks about.
“Why now?” I asked.
“I had to get myself together,” she said. “I just can’t stand being away from you guys any longer.”
I stared over at her in disbelief, not knowing what the hell she expected me to do. She was using Kayla as leverage. I knew that, but it didn’t take away from the fact that she was again controlling my life and our daughter’s. Unfortunately, I was put in a position where I could be looked at as either the bad guy or father of the year.
“I know that I made a huge mistake leaving you, Ryan,” she said, sitting down and leaning forward. “I have thought about you every day since I left, but I knew that I couldn’t come back until I had fixed what was going on with me. It wasn’t an easy choice, but I couldn’t be the mother to Kayla and the wife to you that you both deserved unless I did something about what was going on in my head. You were an amazing husband, and I miss our life so very much.”
“Well, as you can see, there isn’t much left of that life, just a hollowed out and redone structure,” I said bitterly.
“I know you are angry with me, and I understand, but please try to hear what I am saying,” she pleaded. “I made one of the biggest mistakes that a person could make in this life, and I want to have the chance to fix that.”
“So, you think barging back into my life when the drama has settled and you don’t have to deal with the broken hearts anymore was the perfect time to do it? I don’t know, Christina. That doesn’t make me think you’ve changed at all. Just the same old selfish Christina that left her family and shirked her responsibilities. You have no idea what it was like to go through that. You put your daughter, an innocent little girl, through hell and back. The only reason she doesn’t tell you to leave is because she doesn’t understand that you didn’t give a shit about her when you left.”
“You know that’s not true,” she said calmly, taking my hostility. “Come on, Ryan. I know you are angry. You have every right to be, but you know I love that little girl.”