I nodded to indicate that I understood what he was saying, but down deep, I didn’t actually believe Dominic was capable of doing anything that bad. How could he hurt me? He said he loved me, didn’t he? The thoughts raced through my brain as we briskly walked back to the dorm. The earlier playfulness had disappeared, and I felt frustrated.
“He’s not a bad person, you know,” I said quietly. “He was actually quite good to me at times.”
“Oh, really?” Brian said as he scanned the path ahead of us never taking his hand off of the gun at his side. “Could have fooled me.”
“You don’t have to be so judgmental,” I pouted.
“I’m not being judgmental at all,” he replied. “I’m simply concerned about your safety as it’s my job to ensure it, and if you won’t report him, then I have to figure out another way to keep you safe.”
“Yeah, that’s right, don’t piss off my father,” I was being stubborn and I knew it, but he was being stubborn, too. “God forbid that Daddy Dearest gets wind of this mess and actually steps in and says something.”
For the rest of the walk back to the dorm, Brian said nothing. He simply scanned the landscape from behind his dark glasses while I stomped ahead; angry for reasons I wasn’t even sure I understood.
*****
“So, tell me more about Dominic,” Brian said as he locked the door to my dorm room and then double-checked it to make sure no one could get in.
“There’s nothing more to tell,” I replied as I grabbed the remote and turned on the television. Brian walked over and shut it off, then turned and stared at me for a minute.
“I’m serious,” he said. “I need to know what happened between the two of you.”
“You know, sometimes you are a real pain in the ass,” I said with an exasperated sigh. “I don’t want to talk about Dominic or my relationship with him or anything else about my life if you’re going to be so judgmental!”
“Ava, you don’t understand,” he said as he sat down on the couch next to me and put a hand on my shoulder. “I’m not trying to be judgmental, I want to know more about you and Dominic so that I can figure out how to better protect you.”
“Well, it feels more like an inquisition than an inquiry,” I shot back.
I sat staring out the window for a long time. I couldn’t look at Brian because I didn’t want him to see what I was thinking, but I knew that he was right. The more I could tell him about Dominic, the better he’d be able to anticipate his next move. I was torn, though. I didn’t know if I could go back down that road and tell Brian about my life with Dominic while I felt so conflicted about it. I wasn’t sure if Brian would understand why I still felt drawn to Dominic despite what had happened and why I’d left.
Heck, I wasn’t even sure I understood it.
“Ava, it’s okay,” Brian said. “I know this isn’t easy for you to talk about, but I’m not going to judge you. What happened is in the past, but I need as much information as possible to keep you safe.”
“I know,” I admitted. “But I don’t like the fact that I need protection in the first place. I don’t like needing someone else to keep me safe.”
“I know you don’t,” he said. “But right now it’s the reality, and you have to accept that.”
I looked away and thought about how this entire situation had gotten so far out of control. How do I tell him about this whole mess? What is he going to think of me? As my mind raced, I thought about what I’d already told him about Dominic and tried to figure out how to explain the darker parts of our relationship. I wasn’t sure he could handle it, and I wasn’t sure that I would be able to handle his reaction, but I knew that Brian wasn’t simply going to stop asking questions.
I took a deep breath and began.
“He wasn’t always like this,” I explained. “Or at least, he hid it really well at the beginning of our relationship. He was so incredibly sweet and attentive. He’d bring me flowers and little gifts, things that showed he’d been paying attention to what I did and said.”
Brian nodded as he listened, and I cringed as I thought about how these
acts of kindness had actually been manipulation rather than love.
“It took me a really long time to realize that he’s a sadist,” I said as calmly as I could. “He enjoys torturing people and he does it often, and without remorse. In fact, he actually finds his sadistic games arousing.”
Brian reached down and took my hand as he listened intently. He didn’t say a word as I spilled the sordid details of Dominic’s twisted games; he simply listened.
“I was so naive when I got together with him,” I explained. “I didn’t understand that he was grooming me to become his partner in crime, and once I’d been dragged to the depths of misery, I didn’t know how to get out. It began so simply, he’d show me something and then tell me it was our secret. He’d confess something and frame it as shameful or hideous so that I’d be compelled to reassure him that it wasn’t. He’d entice me to extend the boundaries of our relationship, both physical and emotional, and then praise me when I’d go with him or punish me if I refused. I can see it now, but at the time, I was so desperate for his attention and affection that I let it cloud everything.”
“It’s okay,” Brian said quietly. “It’s not your fault.”
“Oh, I know that,” I said, rolling my eyes dramatically. I’d been told that more times than I could count, and I was tired of hearing the mantra only because I didn’t fully believe it. I still felt like I was responsible for so much of the twisted activities that Dominic had dragged me into, mostly because I hadn’t had the strength to say no.
“I’m serious, Ava,” Brian repeated. “It’s not your fault.”