Home was frightening.
But I still miss it.
The nanny smiles, her teeth dark.
“Come with me, then,” she urges, and I do.
We climb into an old pick-up truck and we drive for what seems like hours.
But eventually, eventually, we pull to a stop and we’re by the coast, and the sun sparkles on the water.
I peer into it, and I’m unprepared for the relief that flushes through me at the sight of the sand and the water.
“It looks a bit like the pictures your mother sent me,” Sabine says quietly. “From your home in America. These are the Seven Sisters Cliffs, and I thought you might like it here.” She hands me a basket, containing a blanket, my book, and some water.
“I have shopping to do at a few local farms. I’ll be back here in a couple of hours to retrieve you.”
I nod, touched by her thoughtfulness, and guilty that I hadn’t expected it from her. Her truck leaves me alone, and I’m so small next to the ocean.
I walk up and down the beach, my feet sinking in the damp sand.
The foam slides back and forth and I skirt it, heading away from it to the jagged white edges of the cliffs.
I’m at home here in this rugged place.
I’m at home on the edge, where any minute I can fall.
I climb and climb, and when I’m on top, I stare down at the world.
I’m big and it’s small, and the ocean is my buffer.
I spread my blanket, and open my book, and I lose myself in it.
I lose myself in a world that isn’t mine and for a while, that’s for the best.
I suck in my breath at the end, when Jane finally saves Mr. Rochester.
She saves him from loneliness and despair.
Is that what Dare needs saving from?
I drop the book in the basket and lift my face to the sun.
It bakes me, warms me, soothes me.
It’s when my eyes
are closed that I see them.
The visions.
The memories.
Finn shouts.
Glass breaks.
Tires skid.