Didn’t think it was a good idea to explain at that particular juncture, so I just smiled vaguely while everyone fussed around rearranging the chairs.
“No,” said Mark suddenly, “we are not a couple.”
There was a moment’s silence while everybody stared.
“Right…sooo…?” said the instructor. “So you and Bridget are a couple?”
“No.”
“So Daniel and Bridget are…”
“None of us are a couple,” I said. “I slept with both of them and I don’t know which one is…”
“Oh! So you both opted for actual intercourse with the surrogate!
That’s unusual! Anyway, all comers welcome here!”
“?‘Comers’ being the operative word,” remarked Daniel.
“Let’s carry on, shall we?” She held up the rubber gynecological model. “What’s the opening of the uterus called? Anyone tell me?”
Daniel shot his hand up: “The vagina!”
“Um, no…actually.”
“The cervix,” said Mark.
“The cervix. Exactly! And the opening to the cervix?”
“The vagina!” said Daniel triumphantly.
“Yes! Or, as we call it, the birth canal, or, for Baby, the exit into a new world.”
“Always two ways of looking at anything,” said Daniel.
The instructor was now holding up a plastic baby and the rubber cut-in-half-woman. Honestly, how did any normal relationship ever survive a childbirth class?
“So! Let’s have a look at what actually happens when Baby’s finally on the way. So the birth canal needs to open up.” She pushed the baby down headfirst into the rubber half-woman. “Can I have a volunteer to play doctor? How about you, Daniel?”
“…since opening up vaginas has been your life’s work,” murmured Mark.
“OK! So! Doctor! You put your hand in here.”
She guided Daniel’s hand up into the rubber lady’s “birth canal.” “And Baby pushes down from here. Can you feel Baby?”
“Frightfully sorry,” said Daniel wriggling his hand in the rubber birth canal. “I can’t seem to reach it.”
Mark smirked as Daniel tried to shove his hand farther up while the instructor shoved the doll farther down.
“Ugh,” said the instructor, suddenly revealing a snappy side. “This happens every sugaring time. I keep asking for another one. That’s the National Health for you. Nobody’s vagina is this small.”
“You’ve obviously never been to the Ping Pong Puck in Bangkok,” said Daniel.
“Oh. My. God!” said the instructor, looking at Daniel disbelievingly. “Oh my God. You’re the man from that travel show! Aren’t you? I saw you on that programme from Bangkok! It was hilarious! Daniel Cleaver!”
Everyone was now looking at Daniel excitedly.
“Are you doing another show?”