*Do not obsess or fantasize.
*Do not obsess or fantasize when driving.
*Respond to what is actually going on, not what you wish was going on.
*On first date just go along with whatever he suggests (unless Morris dancing, dogfight, obvious booty call, etc.)
*Be sure he makes you feel happy.
*Try to retain some vestige of objectivity.
*When he comes we welcome, when he goes we let him go.
*Don’t get stoned or pissed out of brain.
*Be calm smiling goddess of light.
*Allow things to unfold like a petal at their own pace, e.g. do not demand to make third date in insecure panic in middle of sex on second date.
*Wear something sexy but that you feel comfortable in.
*Stay calm, confident and centred re whole thing – consider meditation, hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, antipsychotic medication, etc.
*Don’t come on too obviously strong, but do do sensual things like stroking stem of wine glass up and down.
*Don’t pre-arrange first-time sex.
*Don’t try to have sex too soon.
*Don’t make him feel caged.
*Never mention any of the following: exes, how fat you are, how insecure you are, problems, issues, money, cellulite, Botox, liposuction, facial peels/lasers/microdermabrasion, etc., control undergarments, possible shared parking permits when married, seating plans for wedding reception, babysitters, marriage/religion (unless you’ve just realized he’s a polygamous Mormon, in which case get blind drunk and bring up all of the previous in one hysterical gabble and excuse yourself because you feel fat and have to get back for the babysitter).
*Create beautiful memories.
*Do not text while drunk.
Of course this immense body of knowledge was entirely theoretical: rather as with a philosopher who sits in an ivory tower (NB an actual ivory tower, not IvoryTowers.net, the dating website), developing theories about how life ought to be lived, without actually living it.
The only thing I had to work with was the experience with Leatherjacketman. Examining the mistakes I made there, from my newly well-read perspective of informed understanding, allowed me to heal my sense of incompetence, grossness, failure and unlovableness and give me hope that, even if all is lost, if indeed it had ever been found, with Leatherjacketman, it was perhaps not lost with all other males of the species for ever.
However, there was another section – RULES FOR GETTING DATES – which was entirely empty.
WALLOWING IN IT
Monday 26 November 2012
132lb, Twitter followers impressed with knowledge of dating self-help books and Dating Rules 468, romantic prospects 0.
12.30 p.m. Just got back from Oxford Street. Whole thing is mutated as if by an avalanche of lights, sparkly baubles, romantic shop-window tableaux and festive songs on a loop, inducing the panicky feeling that Christmas has suddenly fast-forwarded itself and arrived, and I’ve forgotten to buy the turkey. What am I going to do? I’m not ready for the impending hysterical-taste-of-others exam, the sense of needing to do all the things you already have to do plus another twice-as-big layer of Christmas things on top. Worse, the forcing down the throat of perfect nuclear family, hearth-and-home tableaux, the tragic emotions, the helpless flashbacks to Christmases past, and doing Santa on your own and . . .
1 p.m. House seems dark, lonely and forlorn. How can I possibly get on with writing screenplay when feel like this?
1.05 p.m. That’s better, was wearing prescription sunglasses again. But still cannot face the thought of getting the tree, and getting out all the decorations that Mark and I bought together and . . . at least we have the St Oswald’s House cruise to look forward to . . .
1.20 p.m. Oh God. What am I going to do about that? I have to let Mum know in just under four weeks. The children will drown, and it’ll be impossible, but if I don’t go, I’ll just be on my own with the kids, trying to make it all work, and I’m just alone. Aloooone!
Sunday 2 December 2012