1) If citizens know they do not want to go out with someone else they must not egg them on in the first place.
2) When a man and woman decide they would like to sleep together, if either party knows they just want a 'fling' this should be clearly stated beforehand.
3) If citizens snog or shag other citizens they must not pretend nothing is going on.
4) Citizens must not go out with other citizens for years and years but keep on saying they don't want to get too serious.
5) After sexual relations it is definitely bad manners not to stay the night."
"But what if . - ." rudely interrupted Patchouli.
"Could I just finish?" I said. graciously and authoritatively as if I were Michael Heseltine and Patchouli were Jeremy Paxman. I then ran through the rest of the list adding, "Also, if governments are going to go on about family values then they have to do something more positive for Singletons than slagging them off." I paused, shuffling my papers pleasantly. "Here are my proposals
'Smug Marriage Promotional Suggestions'
1) Teach 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' in schools so both sides of opposing armies understand each other.
2) Teach all boy children that sharing the housework does not mean twiddling one fork under the tap.
3) Form giant Government Matchmaking Agency for Singletons, with strict Code of Dating Practice, MateSeekers Allowance for drinks, phone calls, cosmetics etc., penalties for Emotional Fuckwittage and rule that you have to go on at least 12 government-arranged dates before you can declare yourself a Singleton; and only then if have reasonable grounds for rejecting all 12.
4) If grounds are deemed unreasonable, then you have to declare yourself a Fuckwit."
"Oh Christ," said Horrid Harold. "I mean I really do think the issue is the Euro."
"No, this is good, this is very good," said Richard, staring fixedly at me, at which Harold looked as though he'd eaten a pigeon. "I'm thinking live studio discussion. I'm thinking Harriet Harman, I'm thinking Robin Cook. I'm maybe even thinking Blair. Right, Bridget. Move. Set this up. Get Harman's office on the phone and get her in tomorrow, then try Blair."
Hurrah. Am head researcher on lead item. Everything is going to change for me and for the nation!
7 p.m. Humph. Harriet Harman has never rung back. And neither has Tony Blair. Item is cancelled.
Tuesday 29 April
Cannot believe Gary the Builder. Have left him a message every day this week and nothing. No reply. Maybe he's sick or something. Also keep getting whiff of really horrible smell on stairs.
Wednesday 30 April
Hmm. Just got home from work and hole has been covered up with big sheet of polythene but no note, no message, nothing about giving me the ?3,500 back. Nothing. Wish Mark would ring.
8 Oh Baby
Thursday 1 May
9st 2, alcohol units 5 (but celebrating New Labour victory), contribution to New Labour victory - other than alcohol units - 0.
6.30 p.m. Hurrah! Really there is a fantastic atmosphere today: election days are one of the few occasions when you realize it is we, the people, who are in charge and the government are just our mutatedly bloated, arrogant pawns and now our time has come to stand together and wield our power.
7.30 p.m. Just got back from shop. Is amazing out there. Everyone spilling out of the pubs completely drunk. Really feel part of something. It is not just that people want a change. No. It is a great rising up of we, the nation, against all the greed, lack of principles and of respect for real people and their problems and ... Oh goody, telephone.
7.45 p.m. Humph. Was Tom.
"Have you voted yet?"
"Actually I was just on my way," I said.
"Oh yes. To which voting station?" "The one round the corner."
Hate it when Tom gets like this. Just because he used to be a member of Red Wedge and go round singing "Sing If You're Glad to be Gay" in a morbid voice, there is no need for him to behave like the Spanish Inquisition.