"Honestly, darling!" said Mum, grabbing the phone. "I don't know where Daddy gets these silly ideas from. We were talking about the bedsl"
I smiled to myself. Obviously Dad and I have minds like sewers.
"Anyway," she went on, "it's all going ahead. We're off on the eighth of Feb Kenya! Imagine! The only nigger in the woodpile is . . ."
"Mother!" I exploded.
"What, darling?"
"You can't say "nigger in the woodpile". It's racist."
"We're not going to put anyone in a woodpile, silly! Daddy and I have got central heating."
"If expressions like that are allowed to linger in the vocabulary it poisons attitudes and ..."
"Durrrr! You do miss the wood for the trees sometimes. Ooh did I tell you? Julie Enderbury's preggy again..."
"Listen, I really do have to go, I . . ."
What is it about mothers and the phone which, immediately you say you have to go, makes them think of nineteen completely irrelevant things they have to tell you that minute?
"Yes. It's her third," she said accusingly. "Oh and the other thing is, Una and I have decided we're going to ski the net."
"I think the expression is 'surf' but I've..."
"Ski, surf, snowboard - doesn't matter, darling! Merle and Percival are on it. You know: used to be head of the burns unit at Northampton Infirmary. Anyway, the other thing is, are you and Mark coming home for Easter?"
"Mum, I've got to go now, I'm late for work I said. Finally, after about ten more minutes of irrelevance I managed to get rid of her and sank gratefully back on the pillow. Does make me feel a bit feeble though, if mother is online and I'm not. I was on it but company called GBH sent me 677 identical junkmails by mistake and have not been able to get any sense out of it since.
Thursday 30 January
9st 5, (emergency: lacy pants have begun to leave patterns on self), items of lovely sexy slippy underwear tried on 17, items of giant incontinence-wear-style scary unsightly underwear purchased 1, boyfriends 1 (but entirely dependent on concealing scary new underwear from same).
9 a.m. Coins Cafe. Having coffee. Hurrah! Everything is lovely. He just rang! Apparently he did call me last night but didn't leave a message as he was going to ring back later, but then fell asleep. Slightly suspicious, but he asked me to come to the law thing tomorrow. Also Giles from his office said how nice I'd been on the phone.
9.05 a.m. Bit scary, though, law do is black tie. Asked Mark about what was expected of me and he said, "Oh nothing. Don't worry about it. We'll just sit at a table and eat a meal with some people from work. They're just my friends. They'll love you."
9.11 a.m. "They'll love you'. You see that, already, is tacit admission that am up on trial. So is very important to make a good impression.
9.15 a.m. Right, am going to be positive about this. Am going to be marvellous: elegant, vivacious, beautifully dressed. Oh, though. Do not have long dress. Maybe Jude or Magda will lend me one.
Right:
Pre-Law Society Dinner Countdown Day 1. (today)
Projected food intake:
1. Breakfast: fruit shake, comprising oranges, banana, pears, melons or other fruit in season. (NB prebreakfast cappuccino and chocolate croissant already consumed.)
2. Snack: fruit but not too near lunch as takes one hour to get enzymes down.
3. Lunch: salad with protein.
4. Snack: celery or broccoli. Will go to gym after work.
5. After-gym snack: celery.
6. Dinner: grilled chicken and steamed vegetables.