'Boot leg' brown trousers (depending what 'boot leg' should turn out to mean).
Brown suit for work (or similar). Shoes,
Was nightmare in shoe shop. Just trying on brown squaretoed high-heeled 70s style shoes in Office feeling v. d?j?-vu-esque for all those back-to-school times buying new shoes and fighting with bloody Mum about what they were allowed to be like. Then suddenly had horrifying realization: was not freaky sense of d?j?-vu- they were exactly the same shoes I had in Six Lower from Freeman Hardy Willis.
Suddenly felt like innocent dupe or stooge of fashion designers who cannot be arsed to think of new things. Worse, am now so old that young fashion buying generation no longer remember wearing things I wore as teenager. At last realize point at which ladies start going to Jaeger for two-pieces - when do not want to be reminded of lost youth by high-street fashion any more. Have now reached said point. Am going to abandon Kooka?, Agn?s B, Whistles etc. in favour of Country Casuals and spirituality. Also cheaper. Am going home.
9 p.m. My flat. Feel very strange and empty. Is all very well thinking everything is going to be different when you come back but then it is all the same. Suppose I have to make it different. But what am I going to do with my life?
I know. Will eat some cheese.
The thing is, as it says in 'Buddhism: The Drama of the Moneyed Monk', the atmosphere and events around you are created by the atmosphere within you. So it is no wonder all that bad stuff - Thailand, Daniel, Rebecca etc. - happened. Must start being more inner-poised and spiritual epiphanied, then will start attracting peaceful things and kind, loving, well-balanced people. Like Mark Darcy.
Mark Darcy - when he returns - is going to see the new me, calm and centred, attracting peace and order all around me.
Friday 5 September
8st 7, cigarettes 0 (triumph), no. of seconds since had sex 14,774,400 (disaster), (must treat both impostors just the same).
8.15 a.m. Right. Up bright and early. You see, this is important: steal a march on the day!
8.20 a.m. Ooh, a package has come for me. Maybe a gift,
8.30 a.m. Mmm. Is in gift box with roses on. Maybe from Mark Darcy! Maybe he's back.
8.40 a.m. Is a lovely little gold truncated biro with my name on it. Maybe from Tiffany's! With red tip. Maybe is lipstick.
8.45 a.m. That is weird. Is no note in there. Maybe promotional lipstick from PR company.
8.50 a.m. But is not lipstick as is solid. Maybe is biro. With my name on it! Maybe invitation to party in manner of forward-thinking PR firm - perhaps launch of new magazine called Lipstick!, maybe product of Tina Brown! - and the invitation to glittering party will follow.
Yes, you see. Think will go to Coins and have cappuccino. Though not, of course, chocolate croissant.
9 a.m. In cafe now. Hmm. Delighted with the little gift but not sure is biro either. Or at least if is, is very obscurely functioning one.
Later. Oh my God. Had just sat down with cappuccino and chocolate croissant when Mark Darcy came in, just like that, as if not away at all: in his work suit, newly shaved, a little cut on his chin with toilet paper on, as traditional in the mornings. He walked to the takeaway counter and put his briefcase down as if looking around for something or someone. He saw me. There was a long moment when his eyes softened (though not, obviously, melting like goo). He turned to deal with the cappuccino. Quickly made myself even more calm and centred seeming. Then he came towards my table, looking much more businesslike. Felt like throwing my arms round him.
"Hello," he said brusquely. "What have you got there?" - nodding at the gift.
Hardly able to speak with love and happiness, I handed him the box.
"I don't know what it is. I think it might be a biro."
He took the little biro out of the box, turned it round, put it back like, well, a shot, and said, "Bridget, this isn't a promotional biro, it's a fucking bullet."
Later still. OhmyChristalive. Was no time to discuss Thailand, Rebecca, love, anything.
Mark grabbed a napkin, took hold of the lid of the box and replaced it.
'I you can keep your head when all about you. ..' I whispered to myself.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Stay here. Don't touch it. It's a live bullet," said Mark.
He slipped out into the street, and glanced up and down in manner of TV detective. Interesting how everything in real-life police drama reminds one of TV, rather in same way picturesque holiday scenes remind one of postcards or ...