I fell in love with him somehow.
God. I am crazy.
I switch off the water and dry my hands, looking down at my rounded stomach. There’s a baby inside there. Our child. What will happen when he or she is here? I can’t even begin to think about that.
I walk back into the bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed. I am tired of this room. This bed. This place. I am tired.
On the nightstand, I see the box he left and touch the pendant still lying against my chest. The diamond-encrusted rose. A gift when I became pregnant. A symbol not of love or affection but of my belonging to the De La Rosa family. My belonging to him. Like the tattoo on the back of my neck that I sometimes swear throbs to be touched. To be acknowledged. As if the ink is somehow connected to him. Like it needs to be near him.
I pick up the box and read the engraved logo. Montblanc.
Odd. But then I remember.
I lean back against the bed and bring my knees up, tucking my bare feet beneath the blankets. I lay my head against the headboard, and I remember that day. I’d been thirteen. I’d just gotten home from the new school. That awful school. I’d been teased for days, and I’d finally had enough. I hadn’t seen Santiago in my father’s study when I’d stormed in. Not until after my tantrum did I see him.
He didn’t have his tattoo then. He was younger. Not boyish, though. I would never describe Santiago as boyish, even then.
My father had asked me to give him this box. I remember his apology that he hadn’t had a chance to wrap it. I’ve only seen one box like it in my life. My father’s. But his came in royal blue, not black.
I remember I’d felt angry at the gesture, my father giving this stranger a gift, an expensive gift I’m not sure we could afford all the while dismissing my concerns. Embarrassed even by them.
I’d slapped the box into Santiago’s hand and told him off. Told him how much I hated his school. Did I tell him I hated him, too? I don’t remember. I’d been a lot like Eva then.
I look down at the box now and trace the letters embossed on the lid. I open it, and inside, cradled in a cushion of black satin, is a gold fountain pen. I lift it out and set the box aside. It’s beautiful. Absolutely exquisite. I wonder if my mother knew my father had bought such an expensive gift for Santiago. Not for her. Not for any of his own children.
Turning it over in my hand, I read the inscription.
To Santiago, you make me proud, son.
Son.
My throat closes up, and tears burn my eyes.
Son.
Is Santiago taunting me now? Showing me how vile he is? How wicked? That he could murder a man to whom he’d been like a son. Because that’s what he’d been to my father. He’d been more of a son to him than Abel had. More beloved than his own blood.
The realization is upsetting enough but to think that Santiago, knowing this, could murder him is beyond that.
But then I consider an alternative. Is this another manipulation of his? Something to show me he couldn’t possibly have murdered a man he loved. Is this supposed to show me that somehow, after all these months of hate, these years of planning his elaborate vengeance, Santiago realized his love for my father? Is it supposed to make me believe that he couldn’t kill him?
He must think me even more stupid than I realized.
I hate him.
I have to hate him.
But a part of me is breaking, too. Because no matter what I want, or what I claim, I don’t. When he climbed into bed with me earlier, I didn’t pull away. I curled into him. I leaned into his warmth. His strength. His blood-soaked hands. It took all I had to steel myself against him.
Because he is a master manipulator. And I cannot love him.
Determined, I get off the bed, and I hurl both pen and box across the room leaving a divot in the wall. I’m glad for it. I need to remember his violence. His duplicity. I need to remember his hate. Remember that his need for vengeance far outweighs any feeling for me.
Yes, he will keep me safe. Protect me against any enemy. But what about my heart? He won’t be guardian to that. He’s already told me so in exactly those words. Words I cannot confuse or misunderstand. No, he’s been very clear.
I am the guardian of my own heart. I must be. And I have to steel myself now. Steel myself against him. Protect myself and Eva. Protect my unborn child from his own father. Because maybe the other thing he’s been telling me, the fact he is incapable of love, of affection, maybe he’s just warning me. Because I think I understand that part of Santiago now. The damaged, broken insides of him. Too broken to ever be healed. Ever be made whole.