“Emmett …”
I shake my head. “Don’t feel bad. I didn’t have to tell you. I’m not sure why I said it.” I force a smile. “You’re just easy to talk to, I guess.”
“Have you talked to anyone about it? Like a therapist?”
“No. Lucy sees a therapist. Tatum did for a while too.”
“But not you?”
I shake my head.
Nina gives me a motherly, disapproving frown.
“Do you want dessert?” I end the conversation with a swift subject change. Saying anything at all has been a tiny breakthrough for me, but that’s as far as I can go tonight.
“I’m good, thanks.” As soon as the waiter sets the check on the table, she grabs it just as I go to reach for it. “I invited you to dinner. I’m not letting you pay.”
“Nina—”
“Don’t ‘Nina’ me.” She winks before glancing into her open handbag and retrieving two fifty-dollar bills.
When the waiter returns, she tells him to keep the change and pushes her chair back. I jump up and help her with her raincoat, not because it’s a date, just because I do have a few gentlemanly qualities that my mom instilled in me.
“Oh, sorry.” Josh pushes his chair back, nudging Nina. “Just need to use the men’s room. I should have paid better attention to my surroundings.”
“You’re fine, dear,” Nina assures him. “I need to use the ladies’ room as well. Maybe you can show me the way?”
“Of course.” Josh nods toward the back of the restaurant, leaving me alone with Tatum.
She sips her wine, eyeing me cautiously as I take a seat in Josh’s chair.
“You look wonderful tonight.”
A little pink stains her cheeks at my comment. Is she blushing? Is she angry that I’m here?
“Thank you. Nina seems … nice.” There it is again, that question she’s dying to ask. Am I dating someone close to my mom’s age?
“So does Josh.”
“He’s a doctor.” Her comment feels like a slap in my face. I don’t think she intends for it to come across that way, but it does. Josh is a doctor. Josh makes lots of money. Josh is responsible.
He’s all the things she thinks I’m not. Well, she’s right. I’m not a doctor. But I make okay money. And her perception of my level of responsibility is tainted by things she doesn’t know.
“Yeah, Lucy told me he’s a doctor. And clean. She said he washes his hands a lot. I told her that’s good.”
We haven’t seen each other or talked beyond quick texts about Lucy in over nine months, yet here we are face-to-face for the second time in less than a week. I’d hoped seeing her would bring me closer to my own closure, but it only makes me miss what I had so much more. I still love this woman as much as I did the day I married her.
“He adores Lucy.”
“He should,” I reply in the most protective way.
Rubbing her lips together, she drums her fingers on the table while her other hand cups the stem of her wine glass. “Lucy was disappointed that you left before Ashton arrived last Saturday.”
“I know. I called her Sunday to apologize.”
“I felt like you left because of me. In fact, that’s what she asked me. She wanted to know what I did or said to make you leave. I got this crazy lecture from her about being nicer to you. As if I’ve been anything but nice.” Tatum holds an expression of shock and guiltless innocence. “So if you felt like I was running you off, then I’m sorry.”
My tongue starts to swell from biting it so hard. She’s sorry for running me off, but she’s okay with divorcing me for doing exactly what she made me promise to do. Oh, the irony.
“I’m fine.” I shrug it off.
“You’re always fine.” She bristles as if my being fine is a bad thing.
For the record, someone had to be fine or at least play the part. Tatum was not fine. Lucy was on the verge of being traumatized for life. I’m still not sure if she will ever be okay.
But if Tatum could see me the way she used to see me, if she would just open her eyes, she’d see that I’m not fine. I never was fine. She’d see that my date tonight is a neighbor, a friend, not a romantic interest. Not her replacement. She’d take one look at me and drown in the hollowness that is my fucking soul at the moment.
There’s nothing more to say. We’ve hit this wall too many times to count. She baits me, and I want so badly to tell her everything. But I don’t. I can’t. It’s the promise I will never break. It’s the secret I will take to my grave.
I stand, knowing Josh and Nina will return soon. A smile finds its way to my lips. It’s genuine. Everything I feel and have ever felt for this woman is real and unwavering. “I see the way you look at him and the way he looks at you. I remember what that felt like.” I take a step forward and her body stiffens. Her lower lip quivers a bit, and she bites it. I know she’s holding her breath, waiting for me to leave. I rest my finger under her chin, forcing her to look at me. “You were never really mine.”